God is my strength. I have said that, sang that, and thought somewhat lightly of it. Now I am living it, day by day. In the midst of one of the biggest spiritual and emotional battles of my life, I am also struggling with parenting. I often lack the confidence in my own abilities as a mom. I can get overwhelmed with daily things and with the little phases my children go through. I fear and dread the days when questions about their father come, and worry they will somehow blame me. In all of this, God is my strength.
Even when I felt weary and stressed this morning, He met me where I was. My kids were running around, whining, bickering, dumping out the toy totes I had so very carefully organized. Yet, Jesus was right there with me at my kitchen table as I sipped my coffee and opened up the my journal to just sit somewhat peacefully. My friend sent me a text, saying she had been praying for me and to read a couple of verses in Isaiah 40.
"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young." (vs.11)
"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary
and young men will stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (vs.28-31)
Literally, right after this another friend came by with her two kids to play. To say my kids had a rough morning is a pretty major understatement, but my friends and her kids were so loving and incredibly patient! As she was leaving she hugged me and said "You're doing a great job!". I thanked her relucantly, as doubt flooded in once again. Once they left and I got my shreiking children down for naps, I got quiet. The perfect prince of peace calmed my soul and told me "this is for My glory".
Then, I watched this:
http://vimeo.com/66058153
Whew, parenting is hard! I know I can be so much harder on myself. I need to remember how much they need me to be strong, and they need a mom not a buddy! This truly is my calling during this time of my life, and I am so thankful for the love and encouragement I have had from friends and from the Lord. Moms need it!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
On Healing.
We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony
Here we go! I thank God I am able to share yet another layer of the story He is writing in my life. This time, it is about healing.
I had preeclampsia during my first pregnancy. Between that, having another baby a year later, and all of the stress from divorce and custody arrangements my eyes were in bad shape, especially my right eye. I finally got glasses at the beginning of this year. It may not seem like a big deal, but I hated it! I was afraid of my sight getting worse and I struggled for a little while with that fear. I would often pray that God would heal me and even heard Him speak to me that I would see with out glasses one day but He said to trust Him with the timing. The Sunday before I went on the Encounter God retreat, I felt so strongly not to put on my glasses that day. I struggled with that, in fear of not being able to see well while driving! Finally I just said, "Ok God, I trust you."
That morning at church they asked for people to come forward to be prayed over for healing. I went and was prayed over, but nothing really happened. They prayed for me again, nothing happened. Then one man said, "You know in the Bible sometimes when Jesus healed someone it was as they went home when they recieved their healing. Just keep trusting." Of course, I was thinking "sweet! will be healed on the drive home, no problem!" Nope. In fact, I went the entire week with out glasses and still could not see well. I went on the retreat that weekend and my eyes were exhausted and strained! I knew God was going to do it, so I had to just keep trusting.
Upon returning to church the Sunday after the retreat, I was noticing some changes in my vision. When the church service ended I looked over at a banner with a mission statement on it, and I could see it bolder and clearer when before it was blurry! On the drive home I could see the signs and the liscense plate numbers all around me! I was so excited! The next day I went to see Jesus Culture and I could see people from across the room when before it was fuzzy. I prayed that night, "Lord, I want to be able to clearly see road signs." The next morning on the drive to our Bible Study Fellowship I could see the signs! It was still not complete, but I kept praying.
The enemy was clearly not pleased, and shortly after this all happened I felt flooded with doubt and fear and it was so hard to break through. He tried to lie to me about who God really is and "did He REALLY heal you? You're just imagining things. You're still the same person don't kid yourself." Thank God, the Lord truly does inhabit our praise! Now my eyes are much stronger and I can say confidently that I AM HEALED!
Thank you Jesus.
Here we go! I thank God I am able to share yet another layer of the story He is writing in my life. This time, it is about healing.
I had preeclampsia during my first pregnancy. Between that, having another baby a year later, and all of the stress from divorce and custody arrangements my eyes were in bad shape, especially my right eye. I finally got glasses at the beginning of this year. It may not seem like a big deal, but I hated it! I was afraid of my sight getting worse and I struggled for a little while with that fear. I would often pray that God would heal me and even heard Him speak to me that I would see with out glasses one day but He said to trust Him with the timing. The Sunday before I went on the Encounter God retreat, I felt so strongly not to put on my glasses that day. I struggled with that, in fear of not being able to see well while driving! Finally I just said, "Ok God, I trust you."
That morning at church they asked for people to come forward to be prayed over for healing. I went and was prayed over, but nothing really happened. They prayed for me again, nothing happened. Then one man said, "You know in the Bible sometimes when Jesus healed someone it was as they went home when they recieved their healing. Just keep trusting." Of course, I was thinking "sweet! will be healed on the drive home, no problem!" Nope. In fact, I went the entire week with out glasses and still could not see well. I went on the retreat that weekend and my eyes were exhausted and strained! I knew God was going to do it, so I had to just keep trusting.
Upon returning to church the Sunday after the retreat, I was noticing some changes in my vision. When the church service ended I looked over at a banner with a mission statement on it, and I could see it bolder and clearer when before it was blurry! On the drive home I could see the signs and the liscense plate numbers all around me! I was so excited! The next day I went to see Jesus Culture and I could see people from across the room when before it was fuzzy. I prayed that night, "Lord, I want to be able to clearly see road signs." The next morning on the drive to our Bible Study Fellowship I could see the signs! It was still not complete, but I kept praying.
The enemy was clearly not pleased, and shortly after this all happened I felt flooded with doubt and fear and it was so hard to break through. He tried to lie to me about who God really is and "did He REALLY heal you? You're just imagining things. You're still the same person don't kid yourself." Thank God, the Lord truly does inhabit our praise! Now my eyes are much stronger and I can say confidently that I AM HEALED!
Thank you Jesus.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Encountering God
This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on an Encounter God retreat in Titusville with some women from my church. I had been on an Encounter God retreat before, when I was in high school but since so much has happened over the past four years I signed up. Actually, when I signed up it was because God said "by faith" as I held that pen and stared at the piece of paper with the blank for my name and phone number. I did not know what to expect. I was nervous about being away from my kids for the first time since they were born for an entire, and even more nervous to be so open and vulnerable with God and around people.
We arrived at the retreat center on Friday evening and pretty much began the weekend right away. The first night was sort of an introductory thing and ended with being handed an envelope with our name on the front and asked to find a quiet place to just sit and read it, and to respond. I went back to the room I was staying in, and my room mate was not there so I was able to really focus. The letter was one addressed to me, written by God. It touched my heart when I read those words! I responded in the best way I knew how: I wrote God a letter right back. I honestly was not emotional about it and was feeling quite closed. I ended my letter telling Him I was here for a divine exchange, and I wanted my focus to be on Jesus.
The next morning came early and Saturday was a long and emotional day! I was sort of discouraged because I was feeling so heavy at first but I prayed for my mind and heart to be open. Two of the things that were taught were about our identity and woundedness.
Little did I know these two areas were pretty big for me, and they went hand-in-hand. My identity over the past four years has been built around my circumstances. Although I know the truth of it all, the more I had identified myself as "a divorced, single mother" the more I took it on like it was my favorite jacket. I know I have said something of the sort before, only this time I allowed myself to come under this identity. Did you know that our words have power? They really do, we can either speak life or death! By me even professing that I am a single mother who is divorced and so on and so forth automatically opens the door for self pity, anger, resentment, and it can bring me to a really. bad. place. This is NOT who I am! This teaching on identity opened my eyes, that I am not alone in this. I never have been. I can see how dangerous my thought patterns could have been to my own identity as a person, and to the identities of my children. My favorite part of the topic went like this,
"If you see yourself as a spiritually weak, unholy, struggling person, you'll probably live like one. But if you see yourself as a child of God who is fully accepted, spiritually alive, dearly loved, chosen, and is filled with the very life of Christ, you'll begin to live in victory, freedom, and closeness with God."
As important that topic is to me, it could never truly be solidified in my heart unless I faced the source of my pain and woundedness. This topic was so hard because I had pray through and face each person and every single offense over these years. It was excrutiating, it felt as if my heart was wrenching and twisting inside my chest. It was awful, and wonderful all at once. When my prayer ended, my tears did not, but I felt like I had literally walked up to Jesus and peeled away every single thought and feeling I was carrying and handed it all over to Him. Believe it or not that's all I needed to do. I had to finally just get quiet and get real and let Him take all control. Why was I even holding on to it all? Jesus died to take it all, to heal the broken hearted, to set the captives free! Thank you, Lord.
After those lessons we had a break. I wanted to just be quiet so I explore the building until I found a quiet balcony and sat on some steps. It was hot and my nose was still running but I need to just be with my King. He spoke to me and continued to minister to my heart as the words spilled out of my pen and onto the page. I told Him even more of what I am afraid of and how the unknown makes me anxious. God reminded me of Psalm 112:7&8
"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will triumph over his foes."
Words so precious and so close, I will be clinging to Jesus whenever bad news comes. I pray this verse will never leave my heart. Ever since I have been back, I keep wishing every weekend could be as intently focused on the Lord as this one was! I am on the mountain top, praying to just stay here for a while. I am so thankful that Jesus has become so much more to me than I ever imagined He could be.
We arrived at the retreat center on Friday evening and pretty much began the weekend right away. The first night was sort of an introductory thing and ended with being handed an envelope with our name on the front and asked to find a quiet place to just sit and read it, and to respond. I went back to the room I was staying in, and my room mate was not there so I was able to really focus. The letter was one addressed to me, written by God. It touched my heart when I read those words! I responded in the best way I knew how: I wrote God a letter right back. I honestly was not emotional about it and was feeling quite closed. I ended my letter telling Him I was here for a divine exchange, and I wanted my focus to be on Jesus.
The next morning came early and Saturday was a long and emotional day! I was sort of discouraged because I was feeling so heavy at first but I prayed for my mind and heart to be open. Two of the things that were taught were about our identity and woundedness.
Little did I know these two areas were pretty big for me, and they went hand-in-hand. My identity over the past four years has been built around my circumstances. Although I know the truth of it all, the more I had identified myself as "a divorced, single mother" the more I took it on like it was my favorite jacket. I know I have said something of the sort before, only this time I allowed myself to come under this identity. Did you know that our words have power? They really do, we can either speak life or death! By me even professing that I am a single mother who is divorced and so on and so forth automatically opens the door for self pity, anger, resentment, and it can bring me to a really. bad. place. This is NOT who I am! This teaching on identity opened my eyes, that I am not alone in this. I never have been. I can see how dangerous my thought patterns could have been to my own identity as a person, and to the identities of my children. My favorite part of the topic went like this,
"If you see yourself as a spiritually weak, unholy, struggling person, you'll probably live like one. But if you see yourself as a child of God who is fully accepted, spiritually alive, dearly loved, chosen, and is filled with the very life of Christ, you'll begin to live in victory, freedom, and closeness with God."
As important that topic is to me, it could never truly be solidified in my heart unless I faced the source of my pain and woundedness. This topic was so hard because I had pray through and face each person and every single offense over these years. It was excrutiating, it felt as if my heart was wrenching and twisting inside my chest. It was awful, and wonderful all at once. When my prayer ended, my tears did not, but I felt like I had literally walked up to Jesus and peeled away every single thought and feeling I was carrying and handed it all over to Him. Believe it or not that's all I needed to do. I had to finally just get quiet and get real and let Him take all control. Why was I even holding on to it all? Jesus died to take it all, to heal the broken hearted, to set the captives free! Thank you, Lord.
After those lessons we had a break. I wanted to just be quiet so I explore the building until I found a quiet balcony and sat on some steps. It was hot and my nose was still running but I need to just be with my King. He spoke to me and continued to minister to my heart as the words spilled out of my pen and onto the page. I told Him even more of what I am afraid of and how the unknown makes me anxious. God reminded me of Psalm 112:7&8
"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will triumph over his foes."
Words so precious and so close, I will be clinging to Jesus whenever bad news comes. I pray this verse will never leave my heart. Ever since I have been back, I keep wishing every weekend could be as intently focused on the Lord as this one was! I am on the mountain top, praying to just stay here for a while. I am so thankful that Jesus has become so much more to me than I ever imagined He could be.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Press on.
You know that saying "God will not give you anything you can't handle"? Or the one "When you're down to nothing, God is up to something?" As annoyingly cliche and "churchy" those two sayings may be, I have not only lived them out this summer but proven them to be true. Of course, I have my own spin on them.
"God will not give you anything you can't handle." Not true, there are things He allows us to go through that are excrutiating. I found comfort in the fact that when we get hit with any sort of attack, it is because the enemy has to beg God to do it. God is merciful when he allows it.
Did you catch that? Yes, I said God is MERCIFUL. Attacks may be a test of our faith, but I have experienced that He is faithful to carry us through the fire. It refines us to make us better and stronger. God does not give us small tasks, how else would we grow? He allows us to call on His name and pretty much throw in the towel and say "God I can't do this, but you can." We have to be desperate for him, to depend on him, and then he will equip us to face the challenge and watch Him overcome.
This summer I faced depression and anxiety in a scary way. It was terrible and terrifying, but God had a purpose for it: to set me free. I have always been a fearful person, and have always been known as a worrier. "Oh, that's just how you are Erin. You're such a worrier." Ugh, I got so tired of it so this summer when God allowed me to face my fear of...fear, I fought back. I got angry. I started to recognize thoughts and patterns of living that needed to change. I asked for prayer. God had a person who once had faced anxiety to pray over me. I was set free! God showed me where I have been so uptight and now I am able to relax and just enjoy life.
"When you're down to nothing, God is up to something." Yes, true. One hundred percent true. The depression I fell into was unexpected. I did not even know I was depressed until one day I was seeing stars and almost passed out. I got sick, I grew weary, I could not even eat. I had to face the truth that I had allowed negative thoughts to become mindsets, and it all went down hill from there. I was tired of parenthood, I was feeling heartbroken because my ex husband and his wife are having a baby, I felt lonely and sad. I felt so empty and so sick. I lost ten pounds and walked around being afraid of everything. My mind would not stop. I cried all the time and finally had to start fighting. My prayers didn't "feel" like anything was going to change. I literally felt nothing. I just cried out to God, telling him I knew He was near but I could not feel him.
Finally, I had to face it all. I had to take it all and give everything in my mind and my heart and hand it over to Jesus. It was not like a "quick fix". I would take something back again and have to go back and pray the same thing over again. God really was up to something, because he healed my heart! It is definitely a process, but I feel stronger each day.
I have been reminded of how important my role as a mom is and that I cannot afford to back slide. The Lord has taken ahold of my life for a reason and I have to trust him with the details. I'm thankful for the work he began in me these past few months because in order for me to move forward I needed to let go of what is now behind me. When my life changed in such huge ways over the past four years, it was all God moving. I believe he is divine and when he took ahold of me and the kids and got us out of where we were, it was a divine shift. Why did I look back at the past? I definitely do not want anything to do with the old life I had. It's like I forgot how big of a move God really did and is still doing. I forgot to stop looking back and to keep moving forward. I can see now that I need to keep pressing on, through the hard things and to keep pressing into Jesus. Only he can show me the way! Praise the Lord.
"God will not give you anything you can't handle." Not true, there are things He allows us to go through that are excrutiating. I found comfort in the fact that when we get hit with any sort of attack, it is because the enemy has to beg God to do it. God is merciful when he allows it.
Did you catch that? Yes, I said God is MERCIFUL. Attacks may be a test of our faith, but I have experienced that He is faithful to carry us through the fire. It refines us to make us better and stronger. God does not give us small tasks, how else would we grow? He allows us to call on His name and pretty much throw in the towel and say "God I can't do this, but you can." We have to be desperate for him, to depend on him, and then he will equip us to face the challenge and watch Him overcome.
This summer I faced depression and anxiety in a scary way. It was terrible and terrifying, but God had a purpose for it: to set me free. I have always been a fearful person, and have always been known as a worrier. "Oh, that's just how you are Erin. You're such a worrier." Ugh, I got so tired of it so this summer when God allowed me to face my fear of...fear, I fought back. I got angry. I started to recognize thoughts and patterns of living that needed to change. I asked for prayer. God had a person who once had faced anxiety to pray over me. I was set free! God showed me where I have been so uptight and now I am able to relax and just enjoy life.
"When you're down to nothing, God is up to something." Yes, true. One hundred percent true. The depression I fell into was unexpected. I did not even know I was depressed until one day I was seeing stars and almost passed out. I got sick, I grew weary, I could not even eat. I had to face the truth that I had allowed negative thoughts to become mindsets, and it all went down hill from there. I was tired of parenthood, I was feeling heartbroken because my ex husband and his wife are having a baby, I felt lonely and sad. I felt so empty and so sick. I lost ten pounds and walked around being afraid of everything. My mind would not stop. I cried all the time and finally had to start fighting. My prayers didn't "feel" like anything was going to change. I literally felt nothing. I just cried out to God, telling him I knew He was near but I could not feel him.
Finally, I had to face it all. I had to take it all and give everything in my mind and my heart and hand it over to Jesus. It was not like a "quick fix". I would take something back again and have to go back and pray the same thing over again. God really was up to something, because he healed my heart! It is definitely a process, but I feel stronger each day.
This past Sunday, the sermon at church was called "Pressing toward the prize".
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 3:12-14
The entire sermon touched my heart. I was so excited because as I took notes it was like a flame was ignited inside and I could see out of the darkness. I had lost sight of what was so important and allowed my past to haunt me and steal my life away. I read over the things I had written in my journal over the past few months and the highlights were basically asking God for direction and answers and for Him to heal me. I never realized how deep those things went until God took me through the furnace! I have been reminded of how important my role as a mom is and that I cannot afford to back slide. The Lord has taken ahold of my life for a reason and I have to trust him with the details. I'm thankful for the work he began in me these past few months because in order for me to move forward I needed to let go of what is now behind me. When my life changed in such huge ways over the past four years, it was all God moving. I believe he is divine and when he took ahold of me and the kids and got us out of where we were, it was a divine shift. Why did I look back at the past? I definitely do not want anything to do with the old life I had. It's like I forgot how big of a move God really did and is still doing. I forgot to stop looking back and to keep moving forward. I can see now that I need to keep pressing on, through the hard things and to keep pressing into Jesus. Only he can show me the way! Praise the Lord.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
A call to love.
I may be in the midst of living in toddler land, but it really doesn't take much to see how the world is rapidly changing. There are so many things I never imagined would ever be up as an issue, but I feel the need to address one in particular. I am a Christian and a mom. I work hard to raise my children up in the ways of God and to be a positive impact in their world as adults. (Long road ahead.) The topic that floods the airways and the facebook news feed is the topic of marriage equality. So, as a Christian and a mom teaching her kids about life and the world around them, what does that look like? Honestly, this was hard for me to wrap my head around at first. Since everyone loves to post their opinions left and right, I asked God "Lord, what is your heart about this?"
As Christians, we are to be the image-bearers of Jesus Christ. That means we are literally representing JESUS to the entire world! It will not be the most popular image to bear, but then again Jesus was not exactly "popular" in the time he lived. Being a Christian is a tough calling, but a blessed one. Being a Christian was never meant to be "cool", so why do we pretend to fit in? We aren't suppposed to! That being said, we are also told to love people. Jesus said to love, and loving does not always mean to "support" or "conform". He never said "love other Christians and boycott anything and everything having to do with sin." No one is asking you to support marriage equality. It really is ok to believe what the Bible says about marriage and STILL have love for those who believe otherwise.
A few years ago, I once had the opportunity to have a conversation with a man I had become friends with. He was in a homosexual relationship, and would often talk about going to church but feeling that he would never be "allowed" to even attend. He said to me, "I believe what the Bible says...but I feel otherwise. Until God can change the way I feel, this is my life." Let me ask you...how do you think someone with that heart and courage get to know to God who can change a heart, unless we as Christians are displaying love in a way that makes a homosexual man or woman even want to attend your church? This conversation comes up in my memory quite often and I am heartbroken that this wonderful person just sees the way most Christians in this country behave. I pray for him and hope to see God move in his life one day, that he would get to know Christ as he really is.
A note to my Christian friends,
There will be things in this life and in this world we don't agree with. Sure, there are things that grieve God's heart and break our hearts, too. That's good, that's how it should be. Our response is not out of love. No, I see Christians lining up at Chick fil a and boycotting Starbucks. We are sore winners with an "i'm right and you're wrong" attitude. We argue and tell the "truth" but out of anger and everything that is the opposite of love. Think about the biggest arguements you have ever had. What was your response to the other person telling you how wrong you were? We don't like that, so why do we love telling a homosexual how wrong they are? Guess what...if you have sin, and you do, you are not perfect. If you masturbate or look at porn or have pre marital sex you are just as "bad" as they are! Jesus calls us to shine our light into the darkness, not shine where there is already light. I urge you, my brothers and sisters, examine your hearts and attitudes. Compare scripture, mediate on it. Ask God for clarity. He is faithful to give it and he will give you the answers you need. Stop shoving your rights in others faces and looking down on others. Stop changing your Facebook profile picture just because everyone else has the equality symbol. (Seriously. Stop.) Start loving people for who they are, right where they are. God had the same grace and compassion for us before we knew him. Will you be a light to the darkness around you? Will you allow God's grace to flow through you, even when it hurts? Even when it's hard? We are to love, and love well. If every Christian showed this attitude, God would have more to work with and there would be more change than there is right now.
When we speak truth, speak it in love. Instead of saying "Hey, you're gay and that's wrong. That's a sin and you need to change." say, "Hey, I see you. I hear you and guess what? Jesus loves you. Right now, just as you are." What would it look like if we went out into the world and had those kind of conversations? Like I said, you don't have to agree. You can hold firm and stand on the truth of scripture, and I absolutely do. Jesus said the world would know him by our love. So, why aren't Christians known for their love? Let's get back to that.
As Christians, we are to be the image-bearers of Jesus Christ. That means we are literally representing JESUS to the entire world! It will not be the most popular image to bear, but then again Jesus was not exactly "popular" in the time he lived. Being a Christian is a tough calling, but a blessed one. Being a Christian was never meant to be "cool", so why do we pretend to fit in? We aren't suppposed to! That being said, we are also told to love people. Jesus said to love, and loving does not always mean to "support" or "conform". He never said "love other Christians and boycott anything and everything having to do with sin." No one is asking you to support marriage equality. It really is ok to believe what the Bible says about marriage and STILL have love for those who believe otherwise.
A few years ago, I once had the opportunity to have a conversation with a man I had become friends with. He was in a homosexual relationship, and would often talk about going to church but feeling that he would never be "allowed" to even attend. He said to me, "I believe what the Bible says...but I feel otherwise. Until God can change the way I feel, this is my life." Let me ask you...how do you think someone with that heart and courage get to know to God who can change a heart, unless we as Christians are displaying love in a way that makes a homosexual man or woman even want to attend your church? This conversation comes up in my memory quite often and I am heartbroken that this wonderful person just sees the way most Christians in this country behave. I pray for him and hope to see God move in his life one day, that he would get to know Christ as he really is.
A note to my Christian friends,
There will be things in this life and in this world we don't agree with. Sure, there are things that grieve God's heart and break our hearts, too. That's good, that's how it should be. Our response is not out of love. No, I see Christians lining up at Chick fil a and boycotting Starbucks. We are sore winners with an "i'm right and you're wrong" attitude. We argue and tell the "truth" but out of anger and everything that is the opposite of love. Think about the biggest arguements you have ever had. What was your response to the other person telling you how wrong you were? We don't like that, so why do we love telling a homosexual how wrong they are? Guess what...if you have sin, and you do, you are not perfect. If you masturbate or look at porn or have pre marital sex you are just as "bad" as they are! Jesus calls us to shine our light into the darkness, not shine where there is already light. I urge you, my brothers and sisters, examine your hearts and attitudes. Compare scripture, mediate on it. Ask God for clarity. He is faithful to give it and he will give you the answers you need. Stop shoving your rights in others faces and looking down on others. Stop changing your Facebook profile picture just because everyone else has the equality symbol. (Seriously. Stop.) Start loving people for who they are, right where they are. God had the same grace and compassion for us before we knew him. Will you be a light to the darkness around you? Will you allow God's grace to flow through you, even when it hurts? Even when it's hard? We are to love, and love well. If every Christian showed this attitude, God would have more to work with and there would be more change than there is right now.
When we speak truth, speak it in love. Instead of saying "Hey, you're gay and that's wrong. That's a sin and you need to change." say, "Hey, I see you. I hear you and guess what? Jesus loves you. Right now, just as you are." What would it look like if we went out into the world and had those kind of conversations? Like I said, you don't have to agree. You can hold firm and stand on the truth of scripture, and I absolutely do. Jesus said the world would know him by our love. So, why aren't Christians known for their love? Let's get back to that.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
A prayer for those hard days.
When parenting gets hard, those days of a broken lamp and a mess at every turn. Instead of those sweet little voices, I hear shrill shrieking or unrelenting whines. Yelling, spitting, and even hitting all before lunch time. By nap time I am just exhausted and my heart aches. I feel defeated and like the worst mom in the world. "Why can"t I just get it together?"
Sure, I am parenting two toddlers. One of which is a strong-willed child. Days like these make me feel as if I am beating myself up swimming up stream. Those "breaking moments" are when I most often find myself on the floor of my kitchen crying out to God for wisdom, and for my sanity!
But then, you quiet my thoughts as a father holding his baby girl, crying in the night. You hold me and whisper your love over me. I am humbled and never condemned by the example my perfect Father sets for me as a parent. The standard is high and worth the cost. When parenting gets hard, or when it has been just "one of those days" it is the King of Glory himself that calms the storm.
Lord, I am thankful for my children. Thank you for their strengths. You made my daughter strong in her will for a purpose, and I would never want to break her will or her spirit. She is perfect just the way she is. Help me to lead her and guide her to you. Protect her, God and have the victory over her life and her spirit. Give me strength to pray for her and to love her well, even when it gets hard. Give me a heart dependent on you for guidance. Remind me that even if I do not see immediate results, doing things your way will make all the difference. Thank you, Lord.
Amen.
Sure, I am parenting two toddlers. One of which is a strong-willed child. Days like these make me feel as if I am beating myself up swimming up stream. Those "breaking moments" are when I most often find myself on the floor of my kitchen crying out to God for wisdom, and for my sanity!
But then, you quiet my thoughts as a father holding his baby girl, crying in the night. You hold me and whisper your love over me. I am humbled and never condemned by the example my perfect Father sets for me as a parent. The standard is high and worth the cost. When parenting gets hard, or when it has been just "one of those days" it is the King of Glory himself that calms the storm.
Lord, I am thankful for my children. Thank you for their strengths. You made my daughter strong in her will for a purpose, and I would never want to break her will or her spirit. She is perfect just the way she is. Help me to lead her and guide her to you. Protect her, God and have the victory over her life and her spirit. Give me strength to pray for her and to love her well, even when it gets hard. Give me a heart dependent on you for guidance. Remind me that even if I do not see immediate results, doing things your way will make all the difference. Thank you, Lord.
Amen.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Praise Him, Oh Praise Him
Praise God from whom all blessings flow...
I'm pretty sure I have lost count of all the ways God has blessed me. He knows how much I like to plan things, and even more so how a good surprise can make my heart skip a beat and fall in love all over again, such as the biggest blessings of my lifetime. Even better than that: He is slowly (but surely) prying my white-knuckled fingers off of the so-called control I have over my own life. My eyes are being opened to this whole idea of not having a plan...and being content with that.
I used to feel so much anxiety, or have to defend myself with some sort of explanation as to what my future plans are. I was afraid of what other people would think when they ask we why don't I just finish school and get a full-time job? I often get asked the question "so, what do you do?" I used to get frustrated with that question. I often thought "are they serious?!" then I realized, I was just frustrated with myself. I was afraid of riding the fence between what society expects a single mother to do in order to be successful, or to do what God has called me to...which goes against the stream quite a bit. So, I struggled with this for a time, until God led me to pray for guidance. I asked Him to give me a clear picture of what motherhood looks like in my life. I asked, and continually ask for Him to provide. God has settled my anxious thoughts and frustrations. I can now smile and answer those questions with "I am a mom".
I believe God has chosen me to be a mom to my kids, during this time, and for very specific reasons. This is something my heart is full of passion for, I see it as my mission field. I am a mom. Praise Him I am able to have this sort of peace and calling on my life, even though I am divorced! I used to wear the label "single mom" as if it were a garment, but that identity just never fit right. It was a heavy burden I never had to take on in the first place. Yes, I am the only biological parent but I am far from being a "true" single mom. My parents have been a tremendous source of support, as well as other relatives and friends and church family. God has blessed us and provided in the most amazing ways! I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I am able to be with my kids most of the time and to love them well and raise them up in the Lord!
There are hard things ahead, of course. There are hard days, too. I had to be humbled into to realization that I am not super mom, and that's ok. One of the biggest things to face is, I still don't know what to tell my kids about their dad. He has literally been absent for their entire lives. My daughter is becoming aware and tries to fit the pieces together. She has even called her Bappa (my dad) "dad". One instance during a meal, she looked at me and touched my chest, saying "my mommy", and then looked me in the eyes and said "dad".
I used to tense at the sound of that word. Fear, anger, and bitterness would flow so strongly I was sure she could feel it. God has been so amazingly good at easing those feelings and now I am able to stay calm.
I looked at her and just said matter-of-factly "dad".
"Dad", she said as she continued eating. She seemed satisfied with my answer and I felt like I had passed some sort of test.
This whole thing with their dad helps me see, it's ok to feel hurt sometimes. I don't feel the pain of my husband leaving me. The hurt I feel is in anticipation of my children understanding what he did. With Jesus, and the help of his perfect and amazing patience and grace, I am stepping further and further away from that hurt. From those fears. With every step, I am stronger. With every step, I am letting it go: opening my hands and letting it flow into the wind like sand escaping my grasp. And with every step, I am running to Jesus. I am running into new freedoms and out of broken chains. I am running into the arms of the one who knows me, understands me, delights in me. The road I'm on is a wild adventure full of mystery God himself is revealing about this amazing future I have in a life lived with Him!
Despite my prayers of "Ok God, I can do this forever! I never need a man in my life ever again." He has shown me that yes, I still believe in love and have a desire for it one day. And, it's ok to. God may have laughed (I am pretty sure he did) at my prayer and had to pry my eyes open from being squeezed shut, but it's ok. It's ok to go on long runs and that song comes on that makes me dream with God about a man to do life with. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to take my time and to be myself. It's ok to see the possibilites of dating. It's ok to have boundaries, and to not date the way I used to. It's ok to dream big and pray boldly for a man of God. It's ok to believe for something bigger and better than anything I have ever known.
It's ok to fall for a good man, a whole man.
I am living it day-by-day. My life is wildly blessed, and I am falling more and more in love with a life of abiding in Christ. He has the answers, he has the best ideas, and now he has my trust. My fears used to run me, now they are crushed beneath my feet and I am moving forward!
I'm pretty sure I have lost count of all the ways God has blessed me. He knows how much I like to plan things, and even more so how a good surprise can make my heart skip a beat and fall in love all over again, such as the biggest blessings of my lifetime. Even better than that: He is slowly (but surely) prying my white-knuckled fingers off of the so-called control I have over my own life. My eyes are being opened to this whole idea of not having a plan...and being content with that.
I used to feel so much anxiety, or have to defend myself with some sort of explanation as to what my future plans are. I was afraid of what other people would think when they ask we why don't I just finish school and get a full-time job? I often get asked the question "so, what do you do?" I used to get frustrated with that question. I often thought "are they serious?!" then I realized, I was just frustrated with myself. I was afraid of riding the fence between what society expects a single mother to do in order to be successful, or to do what God has called me to...which goes against the stream quite a bit. So, I struggled with this for a time, until God led me to pray for guidance. I asked Him to give me a clear picture of what motherhood looks like in my life. I asked, and continually ask for Him to provide. God has settled my anxious thoughts and frustrations. I can now smile and answer those questions with "I am a mom".
I believe God has chosen me to be a mom to my kids, during this time, and for very specific reasons. This is something my heart is full of passion for, I see it as my mission field. I am a mom. Praise Him I am able to have this sort of peace and calling on my life, even though I am divorced! I used to wear the label "single mom" as if it were a garment, but that identity just never fit right. It was a heavy burden I never had to take on in the first place. Yes, I am the only biological parent but I am far from being a "true" single mom. My parents have been a tremendous source of support, as well as other relatives and friends and church family. God has blessed us and provided in the most amazing ways! I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I am able to be with my kids most of the time and to love them well and raise them up in the Lord!
There are hard things ahead, of course. There are hard days, too. I had to be humbled into to realization that I am not super mom, and that's ok. One of the biggest things to face is, I still don't know what to tell my kids about their dad. He has literally been absent for their entire lives. My daughter is becoming aware and tries to fit the pieces together. She has even called her Bappa (my dad) "dad". One instance during a meal, she looked at me and touched my chest, saying "my mommy", and then looked me in the eyes and said "dad".
I used to tense at the sound of that word. Fear, anger, and bitterness would flow so strongly I was sure she could feel it. God has been so amazingly good at easing those feelings and now I am able to stay calm.
I looked at her and just said matter-of-factly "dad".
"Dad", she said as she continued eating. She seemed satisfied with my answer and I felt like I had passed some sort of test.
This whole thing with their dad helps me see, it's ok to feel hurt sometimes. I don't feel the pain of my husband leaving me. The hurt I feel is in anticipation of my children understanding what he did. With Jesus, and the help of his perfect and amazing patience and grace, I am stepping further and further away from that hurt. From those fears. With every step, I am stronger. With every step, I am letting it go: opening my hands and letting it flow into the wind like sand escaping my grasp. And with every step, I am running to Jesus. I am running into new freedoms and out of broken chains. I am running into the arms of the one who knows me, understands me, delights in me. The road I'm on is a wild adventure full of mystery God himself is revealing about this amazing future I have in a life lived with Him!
Despite my prayers of "Ok God, I can do this forever! I never need a man in my life ever again." He has shown me that yes, I still believe in love and have a desire for it one day. And, it's ok to. God may have laughed (I am pretty sure he did) at my prayer and had to pry my eyes open from being squeezed shut, but it's ok. It's ok to go on long runs and that song comes on that makes me dream with God about a man to do life with. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to take my time and to be myself. It's ok to see the possibilites of dating. It's ok to have boundaries, and to not date the way I used to. It's ok to dream big and pray boldly for a man of God. It's ok to believe for something bigger and better than anything I have ever known.
It's ok to fall for a good man, a whole man.
I am living it day-by-day. My life is wildly blessed, and I am falling more and more in love with a life of abiding in Christ. He has the answers, he has the best ideas, and now he has my trust. My fears used to run me, now they are crushed beneath my feet and I am moving forward!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)