We arrived at the retreat center on Friday evening and pretty much began the weekend right away. The first night was sort of an introductory thing and ended with being handed an envelope with our name on the front and asked to find a quiet place to just sit and read it, and to respond. I went back to the room I was staying in, and my room mate was not there so I was able to really focus. The letter was one addressed to me, written by God. It touched my heart when I read those words! I responded in the best way I knew how: I wrote God a letter right back. I honestly was not emotional about it and was feeling quite closed. I ended my letter telling Him I was here for a divine exchange, and I wanted my focus to be on Jesus.
The next morning came early and Saturday was a long and emotional day! I was sort of discouraged because I was feeling so heavy at first but I prayed for my mind and heart to be open. Two of the things that were taught were about our identity and woundedness.
Little did I know these two areas were pretty big for me, and they went hand-in-hand. My identity over the past four years has been built around my circumstances. Although I know the truth of it all, the more I had identified myself as "a divorced, single mother" the more I took it on like it was my favorite jacket. I know I have said something of the sort before, only this time I allowed myself to come under this identity. Did you know that our words have power? They really do, we can either speak life or death! By me even professing that I am a single mother who is divorced and so on and so forth automatically opens the door for self pity, anger, resentment, and it can bring me to a really. bad. place. This is NOT who I am! This teaching on identity opened my eyes, that I am not alone in this. I never have been. I can see how dangerous my thought patterns could have been to my own identity as a person, and to the identities of my children. My favorite part of the topic went like this,
"If you see yourself as a spiritually weak, unholy, struggling person, you'll probably live like one. But if you see yourself as a child of God who is fully accepted, spiritually alive, dearly loved, chosen, and is filled with the very life of Christ, you'll begin to live in victory, freedom, and closeness with God."
As important that topic is to me, it could never truly be solidified in my heart unless I faced the source of my pain and woundedness. This topic was so hard because I had pray through and face each person and every single offense over these years. It was excrutiating, it felt as if my heart was wrenching and twisting inside my chest. It was awful, and wonderful all at once. When my prayer ended, my tears did not, but I felt like I had literally walked up to Jesus and peeled away every single thought and feeling I was carrying and handed it all over to Him. Believe it or not that's all I needed to do. I had to finally just get quiet and get real and let Him take all control. Why was I even holding on to it all? Jesus died to take it all, to heal the broken hearted, to set the captives free! Thank you, Lord.
After those lessons we had a break. I wanted to just be quiet so I explore the building until I found a quiet balcony and sat on some steps. It was hot and my nose was still running but I need to just be with my King. He spoke to me and continued to minister to my heart as the words spilled out of my pen and onto the page. I told Him even more of what I am afraid of and how the unknown makes me anxious. God reminded me of Psalm 112:7&8
"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will triumph over his foes."
Words so precious and so close, I will be clinging to Jesus whenever bad news comes. I pray this verse will never leave my heart. Ever since I have been back, I keep wishing every weekend could be as intently focused on the Lord as this one was! I am on the mountain top, praying to just stay here for a while. I am so thankful that Jesus has become so much more to me than I ever imagined He could be.
Sounds like it was truly AWEsome!
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