Praise Him, Oh Praise Him

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

I'm pretty sure I have lost count of all the ways God has blessed me. He knows how much I like to plan things, and even more so how a good surprise can make my heart skip a beat and fall in love all over again, such as the biggest blessings of my lifetime. Even better than that: He is slowly (but surely) prying my white-knuckled fingers off of the so-called control I have over my own life. My eyes are being opened to this whole idea of not having a plan...and being content with that.

I used to feel so much anxiety, or have to defend myself with some sort of explanation as to what my future plans are. I was afraid of what other people would think when they ask we why don't I just finish school and get a full-time job? I often get asked the question "so, what do you do?" I used to get frustrated with that question. I often thought "are they serious?!" then I realized, I was just frustrated with myself. I was afraid of riding the fence between what society expects a single mother to do in order to be successful, or to do what God has called me to...which goes against the stream quite a bit. So, I struggled with this for a time, until God led me to pray for guidance. I asked Him to give me a clear picture of what motherhood looks like in my life. I asked, and continually ask for Him to provide. God has settled my anxious thoughts and frustrations. I can now smile and answer those questions with "I am a mom".

I believe God has chosen me to be a mom to my kids, during this time, and for very specific reasons. This is something my heart is full of passion for, I see it as my mission field. I am a mom. Praise Him I am able to have this sort of peace and calling on my life, even though I am divorced! I used to wear the label "single mom" as if it were a garment, but that identity just never fit right. It was a heavy burden I never had to take on in the first place. Yes, I am the only biological parent but I am far from being a "true" single mom. My parents have been a tremendous source of support, as well as other relatives and friends and church family. God has blessed us and provided in the most amazing ways! I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I am able to be with my kids most of the time and to love them well and raise them up in the Lord!

There are hard things ahead, of course. There are hard days, too. I had to be humbled into to realization that I am not super mom, and that's ok. One of the biggest things to face is, I still don't know what to tell my kids about their dad. He has literally been absent for their entire lives. My daughter is becoming aware and tries to fit the pieces together. She has even called her Bappa (my dad) "dad". One instance during a meal, she looked at me and touched my chest, saying "my mommy", and then looked me in the eyes and said "dad".
I used to tense at the sound of that word. Fear, anger, and bitterness would flow so strongly I was sure she could feel it. God has been so amazingly good at easing those feelings and now I am able to stay calm.
I looked at her and just said matter-of-factly "dad".
"Dad", she said as she continued eating. She seemed satisfied with my answer and I felt like I had passed some sort of test.

This whole thing with their dad helps me see, it's ok to feel hurt sometimes. I don't feel the pain of my husband leaving me. The hurt I feel is in anticipation of my children understanding what he did. With Jesus, and the help of his perfect and amazing patience and grace, I am stepping further and further away from that hurt. From those fears. With every step, I am stronger. With every step, I am letting it go: opening my hands and letting it flow into the wind like sand escaping my grasp. And with every step, I am running to Jesus. I am running into new freedoms and out of broken chains. I am running into the arms of the one who knows me, understands me, delights in me. The road I'm on is a wild adventure full of mystery God himself is revealing about this amazing future I have in a life lived with Him!

Despite my prayers of "Ok God, I can do this forever! I never need a man in my life ever again." He has shown me that yes, I still believe in love and have a desire for it one day. And, it's ok to. God may have laughed (I am pretty sure he did) at my prayer and had to pry my eyes open from being squeezed shut, but it's ok. It's ok to go on long runs and that song comes on that makes me dream with God about a man to do life with. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to take my time and to be myself. It's ok to see the possibilites of dating. It's ok to have boundaries, and to not date the way I used to. It's ok to dream big and pray boldly for a man of God. It's ok to believe for something bigger and better than anything I have ever known.

It's ok to fall for a good man, a whole man.

I am living it day-by-day. My life is wildly blessed, and I am falling more and more in love with a life of abiding in Christ. He has the answers, he has the best ideas, and now he has my trust. My fears used to run me, now they are crushed beneath my feet and I am moving forward!