Lessons from 2014

I have learned many valuable lessons in 2014, but i'll narrow it down to the three biggest ones:

1. Faith is not a feeling. We've all heard it, and I already "knew" it, but this year I learned for myself that sometimes (or, many times) I simply don't feel like worshipping the Lord. I don't feel close to God. I can't seem to hear his voice. Ok, I am an extremely sensitive person. When I can't "feel" something, I automatically think something is wrong. God is teaching me that He does not necessarily work that way. Of course, if my mind is muddled with every distraction under the sun, my heart cannot connect with His and of course I can't hear from Him very clearly. My heart was made to love God, made to worship Him. Just like in any human relationship, it requires effort. It means that I have to be intentional with my relationship with the Lord. Sometimes I literally have to make myself pray out the names of God and sing His praises until my mind and heart catch up and fall back in line.

2. I need to learn to admit I need help sometimes, ask for it, and be willing to accept it. I have been so driven by what others think of me, and most of all my parenting. I tense up when my kids don't always behave the ways I want them to when we are in public. Yes, I am that mom who has to constantly excuse herself to chase after a certain child, who just wants to explore, but seems to think my directions of "stay on the playground" are just just too much to ask. I often times leave feeling embarrassed, frustrated, and beating myself up for not being a good enough mom. I get overwhelmed, I lack a sense of direction sometimes, I desperately need the support of others to help me parent well.

3. Family is not just the one we were born into. I am extremely fortunate to have the love and support of my AMAZING parents and cousin and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles. Seriously, I hit the family lottery. However, this year the body of Christ has been a great source of life to me. The Lord has brought some beautiful friendships into my life, and has grown some even more this year! You know that expression "blood this thicker than water"? I have my own version: there is nothing thicker than blood. Family blood, and the family I have under the Blood of Christ. These people I can call sisters, and they have walked with me and prayed for me like no one else ever has. I am forever thankful.

In 2014, God did...well, God-sized miracles in my life. He blessed me with materials such as finances and a car! (Another story, another day.) He also carried me through some really tough times. This year I began the journey to healing and forgiveness. I felt the pain of the past five years, the emotions I had kept bottled up on a dusty shelf somewhere deep in my heart. It has been awful and wonderful at the same time.

I faced, and am facing, fear and have had some intense battles with anxiety. This year, the Lord has brought me to deeper levels of trust and teaching me that He is the one on whom I can depend!
As He takes me apart, piece by piece, He is simultaneously drawing me, inch by inch, closer to Him.

The journey is far from over, and I am ready for the amazing things the Lord has already in store for 2015! Happy New Year!

Forgiveness is a choice

Last September, I prayed two specific prayers. 1. A prayer of forgiveness toward my ex husband 2. That God would make me new. Both prayers carry so much more weight than I knew because if I knew then what I know today, I don't know if I would be brave enough to say such prayers. The thing is though, they kind of go hand-in-hand...

So, when I was led in this forgiveness prayer, I honestly thought once it was over, it was over. I cried it out and felt a little bit lighter inside. That feeling faded once I began having anxiety attacks and was becoming consumed by fear and anxiety. Fear of what, I don't really know. Its just like I felt so many things and had no way to process it all and could not just sit down and sort it all out.

Last month I went on an unexpected retreat to be intentional about going deeper in the Lord. The anxiety attacks were becoming stronger and more numerous and I knew I had to get to the root of it somehow. During the retreat I was in a time of worship and it was a little noisy in the room because everyone else was praying and singing out loud. In the midst of it all, God spoke to me in the most calm and clear way: "forgive him."

I know it has to be real, it has to be deep and tangible and I know that I need God to help me through it all. So I just told God that I trusted that he would show me. Then two days ago I read a blog post and the author said this of forgiveness:


"Through my healing process, I learned to choose forgiveness over bitterness, cynicism and hatred. I forgave. It’s been a hard, hard battle in my heart, but now that I’ve made the choice, I feel so much lighter.

Forgiveness helps you release the stifling control of the past; it drops away from you like a stifling cloak so you can move and breath and dance once more. Forgiveness doesn’t make you forget the past, but it changes the way you relate to the past. It’s a process, and it will probably never stop. Now that I know it’s truly important, I’m willing to choose it again and again, over and over, for the rest of my life."

I don't want to wait anymore.


Tonight, I am choosing to forgive you.
I forgive you for making me believe you loved me.
I forgive you for treating my virginity as a conquest.
I forgive you for all of the lies.
I forgive you for the porn.
I forgive you for the other women.
I forgive you for the ways you used me.
I forgive you for the times you threatened me and made me afraid.
I forgive you for rejecting our daughter before we were even home from the hospital.
I forgive you for walking away from our marriage.
I forgive you for doing things to make life that much harder on us.
I forgive you for telling the world our son is not really yours.
I forgive you for the pathetic reasons I have to give to my kids for your abandonment.
I forgive you for the continuation of the rejection by getting married again.
I forgive you that I now have to explain to my kids that you now have another child.
I forgive you for the nights I feel the pain so intensely.
I forgive you for the times I feel like I am falling so short as a parent and I have no one to turn to.
I forgive you for the birthdays, holidays, and special events you have missed and will miss in the future.
I forgive you, and I also thank you, for your selfishness in signing over your rights to be a dad to my kids. It has honestly been one of the greatest blessings in all of this.

I forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I long for my heart to be free. I want to walk in the freedom that Jesus died for me to have. He forgave me, so I am forgiving you. I will walk it out every single day until it is finished.

God's will vs. my will

I've been living differently these days. I used to exhaust myself with just thinking up all of the possibilities of what God's will for my life could possibly be. He (thankfully) has given me a "ah-ha!" moment, but I think of it as more of a "duh, Erin!" moment. I  mean, i'm a single mom. Although I know that is not my life's only purpose, but that's what it is right now! It was so hard to me to just settle into that.

Ever since my mind sort of switched gears and the cry of my heart became "Lord, what is your will?" rather than "Lord, what is your will for MY life?" I feel so much quieter inside. When I was so unsettled and focused (more like, obsessed) on my life and my future, by the week's end I was still without a resolution and would get almost into a depression. (Yeah, probably not too healthy.) Now, I pray for the Lord's will. Period. I want to be in line with Him and just take each day as it comes. Everyday is new, and as creative as our Creator-God is...he keeps showing me there really isn't a blueprint for life.

I have been enjoying my kids more, and feel like a better mom because I just AM. Its so freeing to just be. I'm still trusting the Lord with my future. He has the most beautiful story written for me, illustrated with beauty only He, the creator of heaven and earth, can make. I'm so thankful for this continuous journey of peace and freedom that is truly only found in Jesus Christ! Praises.

Lord, have mercy.

So many things in my life have not gone according to plan. My plan, that is. I never imagined my life the way it has turned out. I never, ever thought I would be divorced. In fact, my ex husband and I would proudly state how the word was "not even allowed in our vocabulary". Yet, when those explosive fights began that was the first word on his lips and the first one on my mind. I never wanted my marriage to fail, I never "planned" on that happening. My daily prayer was "Lord, change him or remove him." out of my desperation it was all I could hold onto because nothing made sense at the time.

Yes, God could have turned the heart of my ex and made him into a man of integrity. He is the God who restores and he could have very well restored my marriage, or at least restored his heart to his own children. (You know how that story ended and the new one began.) I have wrestled with this in prayer trying to understand why. I have come to the conclusion that God has shown me mercy. Mercy in that I no longer had to remain in a dangerous situation and mercy because my children will never be traumatized by the unhealthy and destructive patterns their father lives in and will never feel the inevitable rejection. God knew it all before I did, and that's why I always say He has rescued us.

I have said before how I have pushed and stretched so far outside of my comfort zone that I can't even remember what it feels like to be comfortable. I have never fought so hard, doubted so much, had my faith built up so much, or pressed into the Lord as much as I have in the past four years or so. Especially in the last year, 2013. There have been so many times when I think I have something figured out, according to my plans, and the door to that plan closes with no explanation. So many times I have wept trears of disappointment and cried out "Lord, why?!" and He seems so quiet. In the stillness (when I actually am, still.) He says "just wait, child." I believe when God says "no" or "wait", it is Him again showing His mercy. He protects us from things that may not be that good for us, or simply from the things that aren't His best or His plan for our lives.

The season I am in is...interesting. Now, I am walking in a place where I know something has to change and the Lord is preparing me for it. The only word I can really grasp right now is "forward". He is calling me higher and deeper than I have been before. Outside of where I feel safe, and trusting that even when I have no earthly idea how things are going to happen that HE does. I have barely worked in the past two weeks, job opportunities never match up to what I need, even relational issues have been popping up here and there. Honestly, I am thankful for the ways things don't play out the way I envisioned them. I know God has not forgotten about me, and He is well-aware of my dreams, desires, and passions. He knows the way my heart can just ache sometimes.

God is pushing me out of my old comforts and old ways of living. I have been running more lately, mainly to just be alone and to be quiet for an hour or so. One very cold day (as cold as Florida can get, I suppose) I went for a run and happened to stop near this tree to stretch.

In that quietness, a song started on my playlist that spoke so clearly to my busy mind.

I could hold onto to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home, never let these walls down

 

You have called me higher, You have called me deeper

and i'll go where You will lead me Lord

 

 

This ministered to me in a way I never knew possible. Not because it answered my questions or lessened them, but because for the first time I felt pure joy in knowing that the life I lead is a result of God's mercy! He knows me so well and it blows me away every time. It is  more fulfilling than any of my own plans I had for my life. I may not know where this is all leading to, but I know who is leading me and He is faithful!

 

I will be Yours, I will be Yours for all my life

so let Your mercy light the path before me.





Strength like no other.

God is my strength. I have said that, sang that, and thought somewhat lightly of it. Now I am living it, day by day. In the midst of one of the biggest spiritual and emotional battles of my life, I am also struggling with parenting. I often lack the confidence in my own abilities as a mom. I can get overwhelmed with daily things and with the little phases my children go through. I fear and dread the days when questions about their father come, and worry they will somehow blame me. In all of this, God is my strength.

Even when I felt weary and stressed this morning, He met me where I was. My kids were running around, whining, bickering, dumping out the toy totes I had so very carefully organized. Yet, Jesus was right there with me at my kitchen table as I sipped my coffee and opened up the my journal to just sit somewhat peacefully. My friend sent me a text, saying she had been praying for me and to read a couple of verses in Isaiah 40.

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
 He gathers the lambs in his arms
 and carries them close to his heart;
 he gently leads those that have young." (vs.11)

"Do you not know?
 Have you not heard?
 The Lord is the everlasting God,
 the Creator of the ends of the earth.
 He will not grow tired or weary,
 and his understanding no one can fathom.
 He gives strength to the weary
 and increases the power of the weak.
 Even youths grow tired and weary
 and young men will stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
 will renew their strength.
 They will soar on wings like eagles;
 they will run and not grow weary,
 they will walk and not be faint." (vs.28-31)

Literally, right after this another friend came by with her two kids to play. To say my kids had a rough morning is a pretty major understatement, but my friends and her kids were so loving and incredibly patient! As she was leaving she hugged me and said "You're doing a great job!". I thanked her relucantly, as doubt flooded in once again. Once they left and I got my shreiking children down for naps, I got quiet. The perfect prince of peace calmed my soul and told me "this is for My glory".

Then, I watched this:
http://vimeo.com/66058153


Whew, parenting is hard! I know I can be so much harder on myself. I need to remember how much they need me to be strong, and they need a mom not a buddy! This truly is my calling during this time of my life, and I am so thankful for the love and encouragement I have had from friends and from the Lord. Moms need it!

On Healing.

We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony

Here we go! I thank God I am able to share yet another layer of the story He is writing in my life. This time, it is about healing.

I had preeclampsia during my first pregnancy. Between that, having another baby a year later, and all of the stress from divorce and custody arrangements my eyes were in bad shape, especially my right eye. I finally got glasses at the beginning of this year. It may not seem like a big deal, but I hated it! I was afraid of my sight getting worse and I struggled for a little while with that fear. I would often pray that God would heal me and even heard Him speak to me that I would see with out glasses one day  but He said to trust Him with the timing. The Sunday before I went on the Encounter God retreat, I felt so strongly not to put on my glasses that day. I struggled with that, in fear of not being able to see well while driving!  Finally I just said, "Ok God, I trust you."

That morning at church they asked for people to come forward to be prayed over for healing. I went and was prayed over, but nothing really happened. They prayed for me again, nothing happened. Then one man said, "You know in the Bible sometimes when Jesus healed someone it was as they went home when they recieved their healing. Just keep trusting." Of course, I was thinking "sweet!  will be healed on the drive home, no problem!" Nope. In fact, I went the entire week with out glasses and still could not see well. I went on the retreat that weekend and my eyes were exhausted and strained! I knew God was going to do it, so I had to just keep trusting.

 Upon returning to church the Sunday after the retreat, I was noticing some changes in my vision. When the church service ended I looked over at a banner with a mission statement on it, and I could see it bolder and clearer when before it was blurry! On the drive home I could see the signs and the liscense plate numbers all around me! I was so excited! The next day I went to see Jesus Culture and I could see people from across the room when before it was fuzzy. I prayed that night, "Lord, I want to be able to clearly see road signs." The next morning on the drive to our Bible Study Fellowship I could see the signs! It was still not complete, but I kept praying.

The enemy was clearly not pleased, and shortly after this all happened I felt flooded with doubt and fear and it was so hard to break through. He tried to lie to me about who God really is and "did He REALLY heal you? You're just imagining things. You're still the same person don't kid yourself." Thank God, the Lord truly does inhabit our praise! Now my eyes are much stronger and I can say confidently that I AM HEALED!

Thank you Jesus.

Encountering God

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on an Encounter God retreat in Titusville with some women from my church. I had been on an Encounter God retreat before, when I was in high school but since so much has happened over the past four years I signed up. Actually, when I signed up it was because God said "by faith" as I held that pen and stared at the piece of paper with the blank for my name and phone number. I did not know what to expect. I was nervous about being away from my kids for the first time since they were born for an entire, and even more nervous to be so open and vulnerable with God and around people.

We arrived at the retreat center on Friday evening and pretty much began the weekend right away. The first night was sort of an introductory thing and ended with being handed an envelope with our name on the front and asked to find a quiet place to just sit and read it, and to respond. I went back to the room I was staying in, and my room mate was not there so I was able to really focus. The letter was one addressed to me, written by God. It touched my heart when I read those words! I responded in the best way I knew how: I wrote God a letter right back. I honestly was not emotional about it and was feeling quite closed. I ended my letter telling Him I was here for a divine exchange, and I wanted my focus to be on Jesus.

The next morning came early and Saturday was a long and emotional day! I was sort of discouraged because I was feeling so heavy at first but I prayed for my mind and heart to be open. Two of the things that were taught were about our identity and woundedness.

Little did I know these two areas were pretty big for me, and they went hand-in-hand. My identity over the past four years has been built around my circumstances. Although I know the truth of it all, the more I had identified myself as "a divorced, single mother" the more I took it on like it was my favorite jacket. I know I have said something of the sort before, only this time I allowed myself to come under this identity. Did you know that our words have power? They really do, we can either speak life or death! By me even professing that I am a single mother who is divorced and so on and so forth automatically opens the door for self pity, anger, resentment, and it can bring me to a really. bad. place. This is NOT who I am! This teaching on identity opened my eyes, that I am not alone in this. I never have been. I can see how dangerous my thought patterns could have been to my own identity as a person, and to the identities of my children. My favorite part of the topic went like this,

"If you see yourself as a spiritually weak, unholy, struggling person, you'll probably live like one. But if you see yourself as a child of God who is fully accepted, spiritually alive, dearly loved, chosen, and is filled with the very life of Christ, you'll begin to live in victory, freedom, and closeness with God."

As important that topic is to me, it could never truly be solidified in my heart unless I faced the source of my pain and woundedness. This topic was so hard because I had pray through and face each person and every single offense over these years. It was excrutiating, it felt as if my heart was wrenching and twisting inside my chest. It was awful, and wonderful all at once. When my prayer ended, my tears did not, but I felt like I had literally walked up to Jesus and peeled away every single thought and feeling I was carrying and handed it all over to Him. Believe it or not that's all I needed to do. I had to finally just get quiet and get real and let Him take all control. Why was I even holding on to it all? Jesus died to take it all, to heal the broken hearted, to set the captives free! Thank you, Lord.

 

 

After those lessons we had a break. I wanted to just be quiet so I explore the building until I found a quiet balcony and sat on some steps. It was hot and my nose was still running but I need to just be with my King. He spoke to me and continued to minister to my heart as the words spilled out of my pen and onto the page. I told Him even more of what I am afraid of and how the unknown makes me anxious. God reminded me of Psalm 112:7&8

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will triumph over his foes."


Words so precious and so close, I will be clinging to Jesus whenever bad news comes. I pray this verse will never leave my heart. Ever since I have been back, I keep wishing every weekend could be as intently focused on the Lord as this one was! I am on the mountain top, praying to just stay here for a while. I am so thankful that Jesus has become so much more to me than I ever imagined He could be.