Press on.

You know that saying "God will not give you anything you can't handle"? Or the one "When you're down to nothing, God is up to something?" As annoyingly cliche and "churchy" those two sayings may be, I have not only lived them out this summer but proven them to be true. Of course, I have my own spin on them.

"God will not give you anything you can't handle." Not true, there are things He allows us to go through that are excrutiating. I found comfort in the fact that when we get hit with any sort of attack, it is because the enemy has to beg God to do it. God is merciful when he allows it.

Did you catch that? Yes, I said God is MERCIFUL. Attacks may be a test of our faith, but I have experienced that He is faithful to carry us through the fire. It refines us to make us better and stronger. God does not give us small tasks, how else would we grow? He allows us to call on His name and pretty much throw in the towel and say "God I can't do this, but you can." We have to be desperate for him, to depend on him, and then he will equip us to face the challenge and watch Him overcome.

This summer I faced depression and anxiety in a scary way. It was terrible and terrifying, but God had a purpose for it: to set me free. I have always been a fearful person, and have always been known as a worrier. "Oh, that's just how you are Erin. You're such a worrier." Ugh, I got so tired of it so this summer when God allowed me to face my fear of...fear, I fought back. I got angry. I started to recognize thoughts and patterns of living that needed to change. I asked for prayer. God had a person who once had faced anxiety to pray over me. I was set free! God showed me where I have been so uptight and now I am able to relax and just enjoy life.

"When you're down to nothing, God is up to something." Yes, true. One hundred percent true. The depression I fell into was unexpected. I did not even know I was depressed until one day I was seeing stars and almost passed out. I got sick, I grew weary, I could not even eat. I had to face the truth that I had allowed negative thoughts to become mindsets, and it all went down hill from there. I was tired of parenthood, I was feeling heartbroken because my ex husband and his wife are having a baby, I felt lonely and sad. I felt so empty and so sick. I lost ten pounds and walked around being afraid of everything. My mind would not stop. I cried all the time and finally had to start fighting. My prayers didn't "feel" like anything was going to change. I literally felt nothing. I just cried out to God, telling him I knew He was near but I could not feel him.

Finally, I had to face it all. I had to take it all and give everything in my mind and my heart and hand it over to Jesus. It was not like a "quick fix". I would take something back again and have to go back and pray the same thing over again. God really was up to something, because he healed my heart! It is definitely a process, but I feel stronger each day.

 

 

 

 

This past Sunday, the sermon at church was called "Pressing toward the prize".

 

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself  yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:12-14

 





The entire sermon touched my heart. I was so excited because as I took notes it was like a flame was ignited inside and I could see out of the darkness. I had lost sight of what was so important and allowed my past to haunt me and steal my life away. I read over the things I had written in my journal over the past few months and the highlights were basically asking God for direction and answers and for Him to heal me. I never realized how deep those things went until God took me through the furnace!

I have been reminded of how important my role as a mom is and that I cannot afford to back slide. The Lord has taken ahold of my life for a reason and I have to trust him with the details. I'm thankful for the work he began in me these past few months because in order for me to move forward I needed to let go of what is now behind me. When my life changed in such huge ways over the past four years, it was all God moving. I believe he is divine and when he took ahold of me and the kids and got us out of where we were, it was a divine shift. Why did I look back at the past? I definitely do not want anything to do with the old life I had. It's like I forgot how big of a move God really did and is still doing. I forgot to stop looking back and to keep moving forward. I can see now that I need to keep pressing on, through the hard things and to keep pressing into Jesus. Only he can show me the way! Praise the Lord.

A call to love.

I may be in the midst of living in toddler land, but it really doesn't take much to see how the world is rapidly changing. There are so many things I never imagined would ever be up as an issue, but I feel the need to address one in particular. I am a Christian and a mom. I work hard to raise my children up in the ways of God and to be a positive impact in their world as adults. (Long road ahead.) The topic that floods the airways and the facebook news feed is the topic of marriage equality. So, as a Christian and a mom teaching her kids about life and the world around them, what does that look like? Honestly, this was hard for me to wrap my head around at first. Since everyone loves to post their opinions left and right, I asked God "Lord, what is your heart about this?"

As Christians, we are to be the image-bearers of Jesus Christ. That means we are literally representing JESUS to the entire world! It will not be the most popular image to bear, but then again Jesus was not exactly "popular" in the time he lived. Being a Christian is a tough calling, but a blessed one. Being a Christian was never meant to be "cool", so why do we pretend to fit in? We aren't suppposed to! That being said, we are also told to love people. Jesus said to love, and loving does not always mean to "support" or "conform". He never said "love other Christians and boycott anything and everything having to do with sin." No one is asking you to support marriage equality. It really is ok to believe what the Bible says about marriage and STILL have love for those who believe otherwise.

A few years ago, I once had the opportunity to have a conversation with a man I had become friends with. He was in a homosexual relationship, and would often talk about going to church but feeling that he would never be "allowed" to even attend. He said to me, "I believe what the Bible says...but  I feel otherwise. Until God can change the way I feel, this is my life." Let me ask you...how do you think someone with that heart and courage get to know to God who can change a heart, unless we as Christians are displaying love in a way that makes a homosexual man or woman even want to attend your church? This conversation comes up in my memory quite often and I am heartbroken that this wonderful person just sees the way most Christians in this country behave. I pray for him and hope to see God move in his life one day, that he would get to know Christ as he really is.

A note to my Christian friends,
There will be things in this life and in this world we don't agree with. Sure, there are things that grieve God's heart and break our hearts, too. That's good, that's how it should be. Our response is not out of love. No, I see Christians lining up at Chick fil a and boycotting Starbucks. We are sore winners with an "i'm right and you're wrong" attitude. We argue and tell the "truth" but out of anger and everything that is the opposite of love. Think about the biggest arguements you have ever had. What was your response to the other person telling you how wrong you were? We don't like that, so why do we love telling a homosexual how wrong they are? Guess what...if you have sin, and you do, you are not perfect. If you masturbate or look at porn or have pre marital sex you are just as "bad" as they are! Jesus calls us to shine our light into the darkness, not shine where there is already light. I urge you, my brothers and sisters, examine your hearts and attitudes. Compare scripture, mediate on it. Ask God for clarity. He is faithful to give it and he will give you the answers you need. Stop shoving your rights in others faces and looking down on others. Stop changing your Facebook profile picture just because everyone else has the equality symbol. (Seriously. Stop.) Start loving people for who they are, right where they are. God had the same grace and compassion for us before we knew him. Will you be a light to the darkness around you? Will you allow God's grace to flow through you, even when it hurts? Even when it's hard? We are to love, and love well. If every Christian showed this attitude, God would have more to work with and there would be more change than there is right now.

When we speak truth,  speak it in love. Instead of saying "Hey, you're gay and that's wrong. That's a sin and you need to change." say, "Hey, I see you. I hear you and guess what? Jesus loves you. Right now, just as you are." What would it look like if we went out into the world and had those kind of conversations? Like I said, you don't have to agree. You can hold firm and stand on the truth of scripture, and I absolutely do. Jesus said the world would know him by our love. So, why aren't Christians known for their love? Let's get back to that.

A prayer for those hard days.

When parenting gets hard, those days of a broken lamp and a mess at every turn. Instead of those sweet little voices, I hear shrill shrieking or unrelenting whines. Yelling, spitting, and even hitting all before lunch time. By nap time I am just exhausted and my heart aches. I feel defeated and like the worst mom in the world. "Why can"t I just get it together?"

Sure, I am parenting two toddlers. One of which is a strong-willed child. Days like these make me feel as if I am beating myself up swimming up stream. Those "breaking moments" are when I most often find myself on the floor of my kitchen crying out to God for wisdom, and for my sanity!

But then, you quiet my thoughts as a father holding his baby girl, crying in the night. You hold me and whisper your love over me. I am humbled and never condemned by the example my perfect Father sets for me as a parent. The standard is high and worth the cost. When parenting gets hard, or when it has been just "one of those days" it is the King of Glory himself that calms the storm.

Lord, I am thankful for my children. Thank you for their strengths. You made my daughter strong in her will for a purpose, and I would never want to break her will or her spirit. She is perfect just the way she is. Help me to lead her and guide her to you. Protect her, God and have the victory over her life and her spirit. Give me strength to pray for her and to love her well, even when it gets hard. Give me a heart dependent on you for guidance. Remind me that even if I do not see immediate results, doing things your way will make all the difference. Thank you, Lord.

Amen.

Praise Him, Oh Praise Him

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

I'm pretty sure I have lost count of all the ways God has blessed me. He knows how much I like to plan things, and even more so how a good surprise can make my heart skip a beat and fall in love all over again, such as the biggest blessings of my lifetime. Even better than that: He is slowly (but surely) prying my white-knuckled fingers off of the so-called control I have over my own life. My eyes are being opened to this whole idea of not having a plan...and being content with that.

I used to feel so much anxiety, or have to defend myself with some sort of explanation as to what my future plans are. I was afraid of what other people would think when they ask we why don't I just finish school and get a full-time job? I often get asked the question "so, what do you do?" I used to get frustrated with that question. I often thought "are they serious?!" then I realized, I was just frustrated with myself. I was afraid of riding the fence between what society expects a single mother to do in order to be successful, or to do what God has called me to...which goes against the stream quite a bit. So, I struggled with this for a time, until God led me to pray for guidance. I asked Him to give me a clear picture of what motherhood looks like in my life. I asked, and continually ask for Him to provide. God has settled my anxious thoughts and frustrations. I can now smile and answer those questions with "I am a mom".

I believe God has chosen me to be a mom to my kids, during this time, and for very specific reasons. This is something my heart is full of passion for, I see it as my mission field. I am a mom. Praise Him I am able to have this sort of peace and calling on my life, even though I am divorced! I used to wear the label "single mom" as if it were a garment, but that identity just never fit right. It was a heavy burden I never had to take on in the first place. Yes, I am the only biological parent but I am far from being a "true" single mom. My parents have been a tremendous source of support, as well as other relatives and friends and church family. God has blessed us and provided in the most amazing ways! I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I am able to be with my kids most of the time and to love them well and raise them up in the Lord!

There are hard things ahead, of course. There are hard days, too. I had to be humbled into to realization that I am not super mom, and that's ok. One of the biggest things to face is, I still don't know what to tell my kids about their dad. He has literally been absent for their entire lives. My daughter is becoming aware and tries to fit the pieces together. She has even called her Bappa (my dad) "dad". One instance during a meal, she looked at me and touched my chest, saying "my mommy", and then looked me in the eyes and said "dad".
I used to tense at the sound of that word. Fear, anger, and bitterness would flow so strongly I was sure she could feel it. God has been so amazingly good at easing those feelings and now I am able to stay calm.
I looked at her and just said matter-of-factly "dad".
"Dad", she said as she continued eating. She seemed satisfied with my answer and I felt like I had passed some sort of test.

This whole thing with their dad helps me see, it's ok to feel hurt sometimes. I don't feel the pain of my husband leaving me. The hurt I feel is in anticipation of my children understanding what he did. With Jesus, and the help of his perfect and amazing patience and grace, I am stepping further and further away from that hurt. From those fears. With every step, I am stronger. With every step, I am letting it go: opening my hands and letting it flow into the wind like sand escaping my grasp. And with every step, I am running to Jesus. I am running into new freedoms and out of broken chains. I am running into the arms of the one who knows me, understands me, delights in me. The road I'm on is a wild adventure full of mystery God himself is revealing about this amazing future I have in a life lived with Him!

Despite my prayers of "Ok God, I can do this forever! I never need a man in my life ever again." He has shown me that yes, I still believe in love and have a desire for it one day. And, it's ok to. God may have laughed (I am pretty sure he did) at my prayer and had to pry my eyes open from being squeezed shut, but it's ok. It's ok to go on long runs and that song comes on that makes me dream with God about a man to do life with. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to take my time and to be myself. It's ok to see the possibilites of dating. It's ok to have boundaries, and to not date the way I used to. It's ok to dream big and pray boldly for a man of God. It's ok to believe for something bigger and better than anything I have ever known.

It's ok to fall for a good man, a whole man.

I am living it day-by-day. My life is wildly blessed, and I am falling more and more in love with a life of abiding in Christ. He has the answers, he has the best ideas, and now he has my trust. My fears used to run me, now they are crushed beneath my feet and I am moving forward!

My momma told me there would be days like this.

Surrendering my children to the Lord in prayer on a daily basis is an absolute must. I have found that if I try to take things into my own hands and be "independent" from the Lord, it proves to bring some disastrous days. I feel stressed over things that usually don't bother me, I get overwhelmed very easily, and I sense a change in the spiritual atmosphere in my home. My kids act out and turn towards more rebellious behaivors that makes me wonder "where the heck did that come from?!".

Days like this have been rare, but they shake me. I literally have to just sit down and start praying, and I do so outloud. I think it's important to be an example to my kids that when we're having a hard day to turn to the Lord, right then and there. It helps them see that their mom is imperfect and doesn't always have the right answers, but when we turn to our pefect heavenly Father, he will be there in our midst. It's not uncommon for me to just start crying out to God in prayer or worship, and Riley will just turn to me and say "Momma praying".

I love the moments when I feel like God just wants to encourage me and love on me a little bit. Riley sometimes just puts her hands in the air and says things like "Praise the Lord" and, "Hallelujah". Cole will be sitting in his high chair and suddenly just clasp his hands together and say "Ah mee" (Amen). Sometimes it seems like I just forget that I need God every day to show me how to be, not just a good mom, but the mom He created me to be.

divorce care

I joined a Divorce Care counseling group, and we're about halfway through it! Man oh man, it's been a tough thing so far. God has really opened my eyes to how arrogant I have been about my situation. I honestly had no idea the depths of what divorce is, or what marriage is!

Scripture tells us that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). I used to read that somewhat casually, but now I see why God says that. I know that marriage is (supposed to be) two people becoming one flesh. When a marriage ends, it's not like you become two whole people again (at least, not immediately). Divorce is literally like tearing that sacred bond apart, tearing of the flesh. Its painful, terrifying, and so ugly. In my situation, had the divorce not been such a relief I would have noticed why it hurt so much when he said those things and began to move me and our daughter out of our apartment and out of his life. When that happened, I went into survival mode and then shortly after found out my son was on his way. I just didn't have the time to "recover", and felt I was exempt from even needing to since we were married such a short time.Being in this group counseling has been wonderful and horrible at the same time. Emotions and feelings erupted that I honestly never recognized, and they were buried pretty deep. Every other person there with me has a story, some are the most heart wrenching circumstances and every one is in a different place. Emotions are raw and sometimes it seems like we are sitting there with huge gaping wounds. Even in that, there is a sense of freedom and I can see Jesus moving in and working on every heart there. The hardest part so far has been seeing my own flaws and learning to face them. I fully aware that it wasn't all his fault, even though what he did (and is doing) is not right. I have been wrong, too. I wasn't a perfect wife, and there are patterns of men I have chosen and there are things in me that are toxic to relationships with the opposite sex that I do not want in me anymore.

I have also learned something that should have been so elementary in my life, but for some reason just never was. God designed us to be single. The world around us has their own definition of what that means, usually that you're not in a relationship with another person. Even married people can be single, because God's definition of "single" of broken down in three parts:
1. Separate
2. Unique
3. Whole

Singleness should be pursued, not avoided, and I'm learning what that means. Being alone does not have to mean that I'm lonely. Recognizing for the first time in my entire life that men aren't perfect (neither are us women!) and that my relationship with a guy will not define who I am, and a guy can not make me...anything. My world revolved around boyfriends for so long and I had no idea how to just be happy by myself. I was needy and codependent, and now I see that God never intended life to be this way. Thinking I will be complete when Mr. Right comes into my life is such an illusion! I am enjoying this time of my life because even though I am a single mother, which is beautiful and difficult, my time with the Lord is so much better because I am not looking at a human being to make me happy. If one day a husband and father should be brought into our lives, it will be a sweet addition to what God is already doing in me. If I am better with out a man in my life and can do more for my children and for God's kingdom, then that's alright with me too!

happy 2012.

The holidays flew by! Riley turned two, Christmas, my dad's birthday, Cole turned ONE, on New Year's eve...whew. Thank the Lord we survived all of that. I loved seeing the joy of the simple things, like driving through nearby neighborhoods to look at lights, and playing with the wrapping paper and boxes rather than the actual gift. Its a typical kid thing I suppose, but it's so precious to me. Maybe next year they'll get the hang of it! Riley does understand, however, that singing "happy birthday to you" usually has an end result of eating cake. So, it's safe to say that's her new favorite song. Cole's birthday cake pictures are probably going down in history of being the cleanest one year old boy. He was so careful with every bite and savored every morsel-it was adorable!

So, it's 2012 now. My resolutions are not what I thought they would be this year. Of course, I joined the gym like every other fatty out there, for fitness and stress relief. I had also been going back and forth and sort of dragging my feet about doing some sort of counseling. This past week I had a dream that just terrified me to the point that I had to pray first thing in the morning to renew my mind. I dreamt that my ex husband came back for the kids, and was basically trying to control their every move and I wouldn't have it. So, he kidnapped me and held me hostage in a public building with other people. He had comitted some acts of violence and it was pretty bad because even the police were afraid of him. I woke up before I saw what the ending was, but it really did freak me out. God showed me how much I am driven by fear in this situation, and how irrational my thinking can be. The truth is, God is the one in charge. He's the star of this film, and I am just that girl you see in the background, out of focus. I need to trust him, and believe that he has me and my babies in the palm of his hand and that I shouldn't be looking over my shoulder like I so often do. That being said, I wanted to be optimistic for a while that maybe I just didn't "need" any help. That maybe the Holy Spirit would just heal my heart in a snap and I could move forward. And, yes, it IS possible for God to do that. The Spirit moves and works in power and might all the time! In my case, I believe God is having me walk through the fire. It is his holy and refining fire that is going to move me in a real way that actually has longevity and impact.

I have read somewhere (most likely on facebook or someone's blog) that "though I long for the mountain top, I cannot deny the effect of the valley", or something like that. Even though I may have the exact wording wrong, the message is so true! This valley I am walking in has brought me low, but in a good way. God has humbled me in quite a few ways, but the biggest one on my heart these days is that I still sometimes have this mentality of being some sort of a victim due to the circumstances I have faced in the past two years. How. wrong. I. have. been.

All that to say, I am beginning a divorce care class this February. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do in this time and I am looking forward to truly begin the healing process after going through a divorce. The LORD is my strenghth, and he has brought me this far. His love never ever ever ever fails.

To God be the glory, amen!

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR :)