On Healing.

We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony

Here we go! I thank God I am able to share yet another layer of the story He is writing in my life. This time, it is about healing.

I had preeclampsia during my first pregnancy. Between that, having another baby a year later, and all of the stress from divorce and custody arrangements my eyes were in bad shape, especially my right eye. I finally got glasses at the beginning of this year. It may not seem like a big deal, but I hated it! I was afraid of my sight getting worse and I struggled for a little while with that fear. I would often pray that God would heal me and even heard Him speak to me that I would see with out glasses one day  but He said to trust Him with the timing. The Sunday before I went on the Encounter God retreat, I felt so strongly not to put on my glasses that day. I struggled with that, in fear of not being able to see well while driving!  Finally I just said, "Ok God, I trust you."

That morning at church they asked for people to come forward to be prayed over for healing. I went and was prayed over, but nothing really happened. They prayed for me again, nothing happened. Then one man said, "You know in the Bible sometimes when Jesus healed someone it was as they went home when they recieved their healing. Just keep trusting." Of course, I was thinking "sweet!  will be healed on the drive home, no problem!" Nope. In fact, I went the entire week with out glasses and still could not see well. I went on the retreat that weekend and my eyes were exhausted and strained! I knew God was going to do it, so I had to just keep trusting.

 Upon returning to church the Sunday after the retreat, I was noticing some changes in my vision. When the church service ended I looked over at a banner with a mission statement on it, and I could see it bolder and clearer when before it was blurry! On the drive home I could see the signs and the liscense plate numbers all around me! I was so excited! The next day I went to see Jesus Culture and I could see people from across the room when before it was fuzzy. I prayed that night, "Lord, I want to be able to clearly see road signs." The next morning on the drive to our Bible Study Fellowship I could see the signs! It was still not complete, but I kept praying.

The enemy was clearly not pleased, and shortly after this all happened I felt flooded with doubt and fear and it was so hard to break through. He tried to lie to me about who God really is and "did He REALLY heal you? You're just imagining things. You're still the same person don't kid yourself." Thank God, the Lord truly does inhabit our praise! Now my eyes are much stronger and I can say confidently that I AM HEALED!

Thank you Jesus.

Encountering God

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on an Encounter God retreat in Titusville with some women from my church. I had been on an Encounter God retreat before, when I was in high school but since so much has happened over the past four years I signed up. Actually, when I signed up it was because God said "by faith" as I held that pen and stared at the piece of paper with the blank for my name and phone number. I did not know what to expect. I was nervous about being away from my kids for the first time since they were born for an entire, and even more nervous to be so open and vulnerable with God and around people.

We arrived at the retreat center on Friday evening and pretty much began the weekend right away. The first night was sort of an introductory thing and ended with being handed an envelope with our name on the front and asked to find a quiet place to just sit and read it, and to respond. I went back to the room I was staying in, and my room mate was not there so I was able to really focus. The letter was one addressed to me, written by God. It touched my heart when I read those words! I responded in the best way I knew how: I wrote God a letter right back. I honestly was not emotional about it and was feeling quite closed. I ended my letter telling Him I was here for a divine exchange, and I wanted my focus to be on Jesus.

The next morning came early and Saturday was a long and emotional day! I was sort of discouraged because I was feeling so heavy at first but I prayed for my mind and heart to be open. Two of the things that were taught were about our identity and woundedness.

Little did I know these two areas were pretty big for me, and they went hand-in-hand. My identity over the past four years has been built around my circumstances. Although I know the truth of it all, the more I had identified myself as "a divorced, single mother" the more I took it on like it was my favorite jacket. I know I have said something of the sort before, only this time I allowed myself to come under this identity. Did you know that our words have power? They really do, we can either speak life or death! By me even professing that I am a single mother who is divorced and so on and so forth automatically opens the door for self pity, anger, resentment, and it can bring me to a really. bad. place. This is NOT who I am! This teaching on identity opened my eyes, that I am not alone in this. I never have been. I can see how dangerous my thought patterns could have been to my own identity as a person, and to the identities of my children. My favorite part of the topic went like this,

"If you see yourself as a spiritually weak, unholy, struggling person, you'll probably live like one. But if you see yourself as a child of God who is fully accepted, spiritually alive, dearly loved, chosen, and is filled with the very life of Christ, you'll begin to live in victory, freedom, and closeness with God."

As important that topic is to me, it could never truly be solidified in my heart unless I faced the source of my pain and woundedness. This topic was so hard because I had pray through and face each person and every single offense over these years. It was excrutiating, it felt as if my heart was wrenching and twisting inside my chest. It was awful, and wonderful all at once. When my prayer ended, my tears did not, but I felt like I had literally walked up to Jesus and peeled away every single thought and feeling I was carrying and handed it all over to Him. Believe it or not that's all I needed to do. I had to finally just get quiet and get real and let Him take all control. Why was I even holding on to it all? Jesus died to take it all, to heal the broken hearted, to set the captives free! Thank you, Lord.

 

 

After those lessons we had a break. I wanted to just be quiet so I explore the building until I found a quiet balcony and sat on some steps. It was hot and my nose was still running but I need to just be with my King. He spoke to me and continued to minister to my heart as the words spilled out of my pen and onto the page. I told Him even more of what I am afraid of and how the unknown makes me anxious. God reminded me of Psalm 112:7&8

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will triumph over his foes."


Words so precious and so close, I will be clinging to Jesus whenever bad news comes. I pray this verse will never leave my heart. Ever since I have been back, I keep wishing every weekend could be as intently focused on the Lord as this one was! I am on the mountain top, praying to just stay here for a while. I am so thankful that Jesus has become so much more to me than I ever imagined He could be.