A call to love.

I may be in the midst of living in toddler land, but it really doesn't take much to see how the world is rapidly changing. There are so many things I never imagined would ever be up as an issue, but I feel the need to address one in particular. I am a Christian and a mom. I work hard to raise my children up in the ways of God and to be a positive impact in their world as adults. (Long road ahead.) The topic that floods the airways and the facebook news feed is the topic of marriage equality. So, as a Christian and a mom teaching her kids about life and the world around them, what does that look like? Honestly, this was hard for me to wrap my head around at first. Since everyone loves to post their opinions left and right, I asked God "Lord, what is your heart about this?"

As Christians, we are to be the image-bearers of Jesus Christ. That means we are literally representing JESUS to the entire world! It will not be the most popular image to bear, but then again Jesus was not exactly "popular" in the time he lived. Being a Christian is a tough calling, but a blessed one. Being a Christian was never meant to be "cool", so why do we pretend to fit in? We aren't suppposed to! That being said, we are also told to love people. Jesus said to love, and loving does not always mean to "support" or "conform". He never said "love other Christians and boycott anything and everything having to do with sin." No one is asking you to support marriage equality. It really is ok to believe what the Bible says about marriage and STILL have love for those who believe otherwise.

A few years ago, I once had the opportunity to have a conversation with a man I had become friends with. He was in a homosexual relationship, and would often talk about going to church but feeling that he would never be "allowed" to even attend. He said to me, "I believe what the Bible says...but  I feel otherwise. Until God can change the way I feel, this is my life." Let me ask you...how do you think someone with that heart and courage get to know to God who can change a heart, unless we as Christians are displaying love in a way that makes a homosexual man or woman even want to attend your church? This conversation comes up in my memory quite often and I am heartbroken that this wonderful person just sees the way most Christians in this country behave. I pray for him and hope to see God move in his life one day, that he would get to know Christ as he really is.

A note to my Christian friends,
There will be things in this life and in this world we don't agree with. Sure, there are things that grieve God's heart and break our hearts, too. That's good, that's how it should be. Our response is not out of love. No, I see Christians lining up at Chick fil a and boycotting Starbucks. We are sore winners with an "i'm right and you're wrong" attitude. We argue and tell the "truth" but out of anger and everything that is the opposite of love. Think about the biggest arguements you have ever had. What was your response to the other person telling you how wrong you were? We don't like that, so why do we love telling a homosexual how wrong they are? Guess what...if you have sin, and you do, you are not perfect. If you masturbate or look at porn or have pre marital sex you are just as "bad" as they are! Jesus calls us to shine our light into the darkness, not shine where there is already light. I urge you, my brothers and sisters, examine your hearts and attitudes. Compare scripture, mediate on it. Ask God for clarity. He is faithful to give it and he will give you the answers you need. Stop shoving your rights in others faces and looking down on others. Stop changing your Facebook profile picture just because everyone else has the equality symbol. (Seriously. Stop.) Start loving people for who they are, right where they are. God had the same grace and compassion for us before we knew him. Will you be a light to the darkness around you? Will you allow God's grace to flow through you, even when it hurts? Even when it's hard? We are to love, and love well. If every Christian showed this attitude, God would have more to work with and there would be more change than there is right now.

When we speak truth,  speak it in love. Instead of saying "Hey, you're gay and that's wrong. That's a sin and you need to change." say, "Hey, I see you. I hear you and guess what? Jesus loves you. Right now, just as you are." What would it look like if we went out into the world and had those kind of conversations? Like I said, you don't have to agree. You can hold firm and stand on the truth of scripture, and I absolutely do. Jesus said the world would know him by our love. So, why aren't Christians known for their love? Let's get back to that.

A prayer for those hard days.

When parenting gets hard, those days of a broken lamp and a mess at every turn. Instead of those sweet little voices, I hear shrill shrieking or unrelenting whines. Yelling, spitting, and even hitting all before lunch time. By nap time I am just exhausted and my heart aches. I feel defeated and like the worst mom in the world. "Why can"t I just get it together?"

Sure, I am parenting two toddlers. One of which is a strong-willed child. Days like these make me feel as if I am beating myself up swimming up stream. Those "breaking moments" are when I most often find myself on the floor of my kitchen crying out to God for wisdom, and for my sanity!

But then, you quiet my thoughts as a father holding his baby girl, crying in the night. You hold me and whisper your love over me. I am humbled and never condemned by the example my perfect Father sets for me as a parent. The standard is high and worth the cost. When parenting gets hard, or when it has been just "one of those days" it is the King of Glory himself that calms the storm.

Lord, I am thankful for my children. Thank you for their strengths. You made my daughter strong in her will for a purpose, and I would never want to break her will or her spirit. She is perfect just the way she is. Help me to lead her and guide her to you. Protect her, God and have the victory over her life and her spirit. Give me strength to pray for her and to love her well, even when it gets hard. Give me a heart dependent on you for guidance. Remind me that even if I do not see immediate results, doing things your way will make all the difference. Thank you, Lord.

Amen.

Praise Him, Oh Praise Him

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

I'm pretty sure I have lost count of all the ways God has blessed me. He knows how much I like to plan things, and even more so how a good surprise can make my heart skip a beat and fall in love all over again, such as the biggest blessings of my lifetime. Even better than that: He is slowly (but surely) prying my white-knuckled fingers off of the so-called control I have over my own life. My eyes are being opened to this whole idea of not having a plan...and being content with that.

I used to feel so much anxiety, or have to defend myself with some sort of explanation as to what my future plans are. I was afraid of what other people would think when they ask we why don't I just finish school and get a full-time job? I often get asked the question "so, what do you do?" I used to get frustrated with that question. I often thought "are they serious?!" then I realized, I was just frustrated with myself. I was afraid of riding the fence between what society expects a single mother to do in order to be successful, or to do what God has called me to...which goes against the stream quite a bit. So, I struggled with this for a time, until God led me to pray for guidance. I asked Him to give me a clear picture of what motherhood looks like in my life. I asked, and continually ask for Him to provide. God has settled my anxious thoughts and frustrations. I can now smile and answer those questions with "I am a mom".

I believe God has chosen me to be a mom to my kids, during this time, and for very specific reasons. This is something my heart is full of passion for, I see it as my mission field. I am a mom. Praise Him I am able to have this sort of peace and calling on my life, even though I am divorced! I used to wear the label "single mom" as if it were a garment, but that identity just never fit right. It was a heavy burden I never had to take on in the first place. Yes, I am the only biological parent but I am far from being a "true" single mom. My parents have been a tremendous source of support, as well as other relatives and friends and church family. God has blessed us and provided in the most amazing ways! I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I am able to be with my kids most of the time and to love them well and raise them up in the Lord!

There are hard things ahead, of course. There are hard days, too. I had to be humbled into to realization that I am not super mom, and that's ok. One of the biggest things to face is, I still don't know what to tell my kids about their dad. He has literally been absent for their entire lives. My daughter is becoming aware and tries to fit the pieces together. She has even called her Bappa (my dad) "dad". One instance during a meal, she looked at me and touched my chest, saying "my mommy", and then looked me in the eyes and said "dad".
I used to tense at the sound of that word. Fear, anger, and bitterness would flow so strongly I was sure she could feel it. God has been so amazingly good at easing those feelings and now I am able to stay calm.
I looked at her and just said matter-of-factly "dad".
"Dad", she said as she continued eating. She seemed satisfied with my answer and I felt like I had passed some sort of test.

This whole thing with their dad helps me see, it's ok to feel hurt sometimes. I don't feel the pain of my husband leaving me. The hurt I feel is in anticipation of my children understanding what he did. With Jesus, and the help of his perfect and amazing patience and grace, I am stepping further and further away from that hurt. From those fears. With every step, I am stronger. With every step, I am letting it go: opening my hands and letting it flow into the wind like sand escaping my grasp. And with every step, I am running to Jesus. I am running into new freedoms and out of broken chains. I am running into the arms of the one who knows me, understands me, delights in me. The road I'm on is a wild adventure full of mystery God himself is revealing about this amazing future I have in a life lived with Him!

Despite my prayers of "Ok God, I can do this forever! I never need a man in my life ever again." He has shown me that yes, I still believe in love and have a desire for it one day. And, it's ok to. God may have laughed (I am pretty sure he did) at my prayer and had to pry my eyes open from being squeezed shut, but it's ok. It's ok to go on long runs and that song comes on that makes me dream with God about a man to do life with. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to take my time and to be myself. It's ok to see the possibilites of dating. It's ok to have boundaries, and to not date the way I used to. It's ok to dream big and pray boldly for a man of God. It's ok to believe for something bigger and better than anything I have ever known.

It's ok to fall for a good man, a whole man.

I am living it day-by-day. My life is wildly blessed, and I am falling more and more in love with a life of abiding in Christ. He has the answers, he has the best ideas, and now he has my trust. My fears used to run me, now they are crushed beneath my feet and I am moving forward!