The meaning of Freedom.

Last Thursday, a judge approved a petition that relinquished all paternal rights of my ex husband. He signed the papers in April, and has not seen my (my, my, my!) children since February. From April to September 15 was the longest season of waiting and praying in my entire life. God saw me through this tremendous fight of faith, and has shown me victory in ways I never dreamed.

Before anyone (else) wants to tell me how much I am hurting my children, what a huge mistake I am making, or that I should at the very least fight for child support, I will tell you this desicion was not made in haste (even if I had wanted this to be final overnight, the legal processes are excrutiatingly long). Much thought and prayer has gone into this, besides the fact that whats-his-name gave this suggestion the moment we got seperated. He was, and always has been, out of the picture. I will not subject my children to continued rejection and pain as their father steps in and out of their lives whenever he feels like it. There is nothing to be gained from growing up that way, and that is certainly not the father they deserve. His presence in their lives would be more detrimental than if they never knew him at all.

I understand the weight of my choices, including the choice to not seek financial assistance from my ex husband. The judge peered down at me from his seat in disbelief when I assured him, as well as my attorney, that "Yes, I can support my children without the help of Mr. Belew." My children have never gone without anything they need, and they never will. God has promised me he would always give us what we need, and he has always provided for us. There have been times when I could not see a way that I would get diapers when I was down to the last three, and God layed it on someone's heart to buy me diapers while she was grocery shopping. He told her the exact size! How beautiful is that? I don't have to be afraid, because the God I serve is faithful to keep his promises.

As nearly 50% of the married population know, being a single parent is really difficult. I have been blessed to have my parents to help, and they have been incredible! I definitely feel the sting of lonliness, and it can be pretty tough during the times of the "terrific twos" when disciplining begins to be introduced and boundaries are tested, and I am the only parent! Two kids versus one me usually ends up being a screaming contest to see who I will pay attention to first.

I have had some well-meaning friends who inquired about setting me up with their sons, both saying they wished "he could find a girl like you". Ok, I just have to say that as sweet as that comment is, I have accepted the fact that i'm not exactly the first choice when it comes to a girlfriend, let-alone a wife for someone. It would make sense for me to go out a "find a dad for my kids", or as some have put it, a "baby daddy" (that always cracks me up) and try to move on with my life. At this point in time, I am just not ready.

Although the circumstances are not ideal, the Lord has a plan. It's going to be worth it to do it HIS way, for once in my life. I cannot, and will not take things into my own hands or try to "find" someone to fill in that role in my family. God has made it clear, that during this season of my life I am to look to him and not a man. In prayer, I have laid the notion of getting married again at the foot of the cross. My focus is on my kids, and myself during this time, and if (if, if, if, IF) one day someone comes into our lives to be that husband and father, it has to be God's way. Believe me, it will have to be a mighty move of the Lord for me to allow anyone into our lives! I can't afford to take such risks, otherwise.

Up until this past week, I have thought that after each of my children turns one, I would feel so satisfied in my truimph of being a single mom. My attitude was more like a "in-your-face-you-lousy-ex husband", I am ashamed to say. God, in his perfect and gentle ways, has led me into a new mindset: my identity is not that I am a single mother with two children. I am a mom, who has the two best kids on the face of the planet, and God has moved and answered prayer in the supernatural, further revealing his glory and just how incredible he is, and we are lucky enough to be apart of the it through the life we have.

Another idea I had that God blew out of the water was as I was going through the motions and waiting for the legal processes to be finalized, I would say things like, "Ugh, I just want this to be over". Driving to the courthouse, it hit me: this does not mean it's over. "I am giving you a new beginning. That chapter in you life may be over, now I am starting a new one, only this time I am giving you a new book."