Yes, God could have turned the heart of my ex and made him into a man of integrity. He is the God who restores and he could have very well restored my marriage, or at least restored his heart to his own children. (You know how that story ended and the new one began.) I have wrestled with this in prayer trying to understand why. I have come to the conclusion that God has shown me mercy. Mercy in that I no longer had to remain in a dangerous situation and mercy because my children will never be traumatized by the unhealthy and destructive patterns their father lives in and will never feel the inevitable rejection. God knew it all before I did, and that's why I always say He has rescued us.
I have said before how I have pushed and stretched so far outside of my comfort zone that I can't even remember what it feels like to be comfortable. I have never fought so hard, doubted so much, had my faith built up so much, or pressed into the Lord as much as I have in the past four years or so. Especially in the last year, 2013. There have been so many times when I think I have something figured out, according to my plans, and the door to that plan closes with no explanation. So many times I have wept trears of disappointment and cried out "Lord, why?!" and He seems so quiet. In the stillness (when I actually am, still.) He says "just wait, child." I believe when God says "no" or "wait", it is Him again showing His mercy. He protects us from things that may not be that good for us, or simply from the things that aren't His best or His plan for our lives.
The season I am in is...interesting. Now, I am walking in a place where I know something has to change and the Lord is preparing me for it. The only word I can really grasp right now is "forward". He is calling me higher and deeper than I have been before. Outside of where I feel safe, and trusting that even when I have no earthly idea how things are going to happen that HE does. I have barely worked in the past two weeks, job opportunities never match up to what I need, even relational issues have been popping up here and there. Honestly, I am thankful for the ways things don't play out the way I envisioned them. I know God has not forgotten about me, and He is well-aware of my dreams, desires, and passions. He knows the way my heart can just ache sometimes.
God is pushing me out of my old comforts and old ways of living. I have been running more lately, mainly to just be alone and to be quiet for an hour or so. One very cold day (as cold as Florida can get, I suppose) I went for a run and happened to stop near this tree to stretch.
In that quietness, a song started on my playlist that spoke so clearly to my busy mind.
I could hold onto to who I am and never let You change me from the inside
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home, never let these walls down
You have called me higher, You have called me deeper
and i'll go where You will lead me Lord
This ministered to me in a way I never knew possible. Not because it answered my questions or lessened them, but because for the first time I felt pure joy in knowing that the life I lead is a result of God's mercy! He knows me so well and it blows me away every time. It is more fulfilling than any of my own plans I had for my life. I may not know where this is all leading to, but I know who is leading me and He is faithful!
I will be Yours, I will be Yours for all my life
so let Your mercy light the path before me.
