The holidays flew by! Riley turned two, Christmas, my dad's birthday, Cole turned ONE, on New Year's eve...whew. Thank the Lord we survived all of that. I loved seeing the joy of the simple things, like driving through nearby neighborhoods to look at lights, and playing with the wrapping paper and boxes rather than the actual gift. Its a typical kid thing I suppose, but it's so precious to me. Maybe next year they'll get the hang of it! Riley does understand, however, that singing "happy birthday to you" usually has an end result of eating cake. So, it's safe to say that's her new favorite song. Cole's birthday cake pictures are probably going down in history of being the cleanest one year old boy. He was so careful with every bite and savored every morsel-it was adorable!
So, it's 2012 now. My resolutions are not what I thought they would be this year. Of course, I joined the gym like every other fatty out there, for fitness and stress relief. I had also been going back and forth and sort of dragging my feet about doing some sort of counseling. This past week I had a dream that just terrified me to the point that I had to pray first thing in the morning to renew my mind. I dreamt that my ex husband came back for the kids, and was basically trying to control their every move and I wouldn't have it. So, he kidnapped me and held me hostage in a public building with other people. He had comitted some acts of violence and it was pretty bad because even the police were afraid of him. I woke up before I saw what the ending was, but it really did freak me out. God showed me how much I am driven by fear in this situation, and how irrational my thinking can be. The truth is, God is the one in charge. He's the star of this film, and I am just that girl you see in the background, out of focus. I need to trust him, and believe that he has me and my babies in the palm of his hand and that I shouldn't be looking over my shoulder like I so often do. That being said, I wanted to be optimistic for a while that maybe I just didn't "need" any help. That maybe the Holy Spirit would just heal my heart in a snap and I could move forward. And, yes, it IS possible for God to do that. The Spirit moves and works in power and might all the time! In my case, I believe God is having me walk through the fire. It is his holy and refining fire that is going to move me in a real way that actually has longevity and impact.
I have read somewhere (most likely on facebook or someone's blog) that "though I long for the mountain top, I cannot deny the effect of the valley", or something like that. Even though I may have the exact wording wrong, the message is so true! This valley I am walking in has brought me low, but in a good way. God has humbled me in quite a few ways, but the biggest one on my heart these days is that I still sometimes have this mentality of being some sort of a victim due to the circumstances I have faced in the past two years. How. wrong. I. have. been.
All that to say, I am beginning a divorce care class this February. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do in this time and I am looking forward to truly begin the healing process after going through a divorce. The LORD is my strenghth, and he has brought me this far. His love never ever ever ever fails.
To God be the glory, amen!
Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR :)
