Surrendering my children to the Lord in prayer on a daily basis is an absolute must. I have found that if I try to take things into my own hands and be "independent" from the Lord, it proves to bring some disastrous days. I feel stressed over things that usually don't bother me, I get overwhelmed very easily, and I sense a change in the spiritual atmosphere in my home. My kids act out and turn towards more rebellious behaivors that makes me wonder "where the heck did that come from?!".
Days like this have been rare, but they shake me. I literally have to just sit down and start praying, and I do so outloud. I think it's important to be an example to my kids that when we're having a hard day to turn to the Lord, right then and there. It helps them see that their mom is imperfect and doesn't always have the right answers, but when we turn to our pefect heavenly Father, he will be there in our midst. It's not uncommon for me to just start crying out to God in prayer or worship, and Riley will just turn to me and say "Momma praying".
I love the moments when I feel like God just wants to encourage me and love on me a little bit. Riley sometimes just puts her hands in the air and says things like "Praise the Lord" and, "Hallelujah". Cole will be sitting in his high chair and suddenly just clasp his hands together and say "Ah mee" (Amen). Sometimes it seems like I just forget that I need God every day to show me how to be, not just a good mom, but the mom He created me to be.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
divorce care
I joined a Divorce Care counseling group, and we're about halfway through it! Man oh man, it's been a tough thing so far. God has really opened my eyes to how arrogant I have been about my situation. I honestly had no idea the depths of what divorce is, or what marriage is!
Scripture tells us that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). I used to read that somewhat casually, but now I see why God says that. I know that marriage is (supposed to be) two people becoming one flesh. When a marriage ends, it's not like you become two whole people again (at least, not immediately). Divorce is literally like tearing that sacred bond apart, tearing of the flesh. Its painful, terrifying, and so ugly. In my situation, had the divorce not been such a relief I would have noticed why it hurt so much when he said those things and began to move me and our daughter out of our apartment and out of his life. When that happened, I went into survival mode and then shortly after found out my son was on his way. I just didn't have the time to "recover", and felt I was exempt from even needing to since we were married such a short time.Being in this group counseling has been wonderful and horrible at the same time. Emotions and feelings erupted that I honestly never recognized, and they were buried pretty deep. Every other person there with me has a story, some are the most heart wrenching circumstances and every one is in a different place. Emotions are raw and sometimes it seems like we are sitting there with huge gaping wounds. Even in that, there is a sense of freedom and I can see Jesus moving in and working on every heart there. The hardest part so far has been seeing my own flaws and learning to face them. I fully aware that it wasn't all his fault, even though what he did (and is doing) is not right. I have been wrong, too. I wasn't a perfect wife, and there are patterns of men I have chosen and there are things in me that are toxic to relationships with the opposite sex that I do not want in me anymore.
I have also learned something that should have been so elementary in my life, but for some reason just never was. God designed us to be single. The world around us has their own definition of what that means, usually that you're not in a relationship with another person. Even married people can be single, because God's definition of "single" of broken down in three parts:
1. Separate
2. Unique
3. Whole
Singleness should be pursued, not avoided, and I'm learning what that means. Being alone does not have to mean that I'm lonely. Recognizing for the first time in my entire life that men aren't perfect (neither are us women!) and that my relationship with a guy will not define who I am, and a guy can not make me...anything. My world revolved around boyfriends for so long and I had no idea how to just be happy by myself. I was needy and codependent, and now I see that God never intended life to be this way. Thinking I will be complete when Mr. Right comes into my life is such an illusion! I am enjoying this time of my life because even though I am a single mother, which is beautiful and difficult, my time with the Lord is so much better because I am not looking at a human being to make me happy. If one day a husband and father should be brought into our lives, it will be a sweet addition to what God is already doing in me. If I am better with out a man in my life and can do more for my children and for God's kingdom, then that's alright with me too!
Scripture tells us that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). I used to read that somewhat casually, but now I see why God says that. I know that marriage is (supposed to be) two people becoming one flesh. When a marriage ends, it's not like you become two whole people again (at least, not immediately). Divorce is literally like tearing that sacred bond apart, tearing of the flesh. Its painful, terrifying, and so ugly. In my situation, had the divorce not been such a relief I would have noticed why it hurt so much when he said those things and began to move me and our daughter out of our apartment and out of his life. When that happened, I went into survival mode and then shortly after found out my son was on his way. I just didn't have the time to "recover", and felt I was exempt from even needing to since we were married such a short time.Being in this group counseling has been wonderful and horrible at the same time. Emotions and feelings erupted that I honestly never recognized, and they were buried pretty deep. Every other person there with me has a story, some are the most heart wrenching circumstances and every one is in a different place. Emotions are raw and sometimes it seems like we are sitting there with huge gaping wounds. Even in that, there is a sense of freedom and I can see Jesus moving in and working on every heart there. The hardest part so far has been seeing my own flaws and learning to face them. I fully aware that it wasn't all his fault, even though what he did (and is doing) is not right. I have been wrong, too. I wasn't a perfect wife, and there are patterns of men I have chosen and there are things in me that are toxic to relationships with the opposite sex that I do not want in me anymore.
I have also learned something that should have been so elementary in my life, but for some reason just never was. God designed us to be single. The world around us has their own definition of what that means, usually that you're not in a relationship with another person. Even married people can be single, because God's definition of "single" of broken down in three parts:
1. Separate
2. Unique
3. Whole
Singleness should be pursued, not avoided, and I'm learning what that means. Being alone does not have to mean that I'm lonely. Recognizing for the first time in my entire life that men aren't perfect (neither are us women!) and that my relationship with a guy will not define who I am, and a guy can not make me...anything. My world revolved around boyfriends for so long and I had no idea how to just be happy by myself. I was needy and codependent, and now I see that God never intended life to be this way. Thinking I will be complete when Mr. Right comes into my life is such an illusion! I am enjoying this time of my life because even though I am a single mother, which is beautiful and difficult, my time with the Lord is so much better because I am not looking at a human being to make me happy. If one day a husband and father should be brought into our lives, it will be a sweet addition to what God is already doing in me. If I am better with out a man in my life and can do more for my children and for God's kingdom, then that's alright with me too!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
happy 2012.
The holidays flew by! Riley turned two, Christmas, my dad's birthday, Cole turned ONE, on New Year's eve...whew. Thank the Lord we survived all of that. I loved seeing the joy of the simple things, like driving through nearby neighborhoods to look at lights, and playing with the wrapping paper and boxes rather than the actual gift. Its a typical kid thing I suppose, but it's so precious to me. Maybe next year they'll get the hang of it! Riley does understand, however, that singing "happy birthday to you" usually has an end result of eating cake. So, it's safe to say that's her new favorite song. Cole's birthday cake pictures are probably going down in history of being the cleanest one year old boy. He was so careful with every bite and savored every morsel-it was adorable!
So, it's 2012 now. My resolutions are not what I thought they would be this year. Of course, I joined the gym like every other fatty out there, for fitness and stress relief. I had also been going back and forth and sort of dragging my feet about doing some sort of counseling. This past week I had a dream that just terrified me to the point that I had to pray first thing in the morning to renew my mind. I dreamt that my ex husband came back for the kids, and was basically trying to control their every move and I wouldn't have it. So, he kidnapped me and held me hostage in a public building with other people. He had comitted some acts of violence and it was pretty bad because even the police were afraid of him. I woke up before I saw what the ending was, but it really did freak me out. God showed me how much I am driven by fear in this situation, and how irrational my thinking can be. The truth is, God is the one in charge. He's the star of this film, and I am just that girl you see in the background, out of focus. I need to trust him, and believe that he has me and my babies in the palm of his hand and that I shouldn't be looking over my shoulder like I so often do. That being said, I wanted to be optimistic for a while that maybe I just didn't "need" any help. That maybe the Holy Spirit would just heal my heart in a snap and I could move forward. And, yes, it IS possible for God to do that. The Spirit moves and works in power and might all the time! In my case, I believe God is having me walk through the fire. It is his holy and refining fire that is going to move me in a real way that actually has longevity and impact.
I have read somewhere (most likely on facebook or someone's blog) that "though I long for the mountain top, I cannot deny the effect of the valley", or something like that. Even though I may have the exact wording wrong, the message is so true! This valley I am walking in has brought me low, but in a good way. God has humbled me in quite a few ways, but the biggest one on my heart these days is that I still sometimes have this mentality of being some sort of a victim due to the circumstances I have faced in the past two years. How. wrong. I. have. been.
All that to say, I am beginning a divorce care class this February. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do in this time and I am looking forward to truly begin the healing process after going through a divorce. The LORD is my strenghth, and he has brought me this far. His love never ever ever ever fails.
To God be the glory, amen!
Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR :)
So, it's 2012 now. My resolutions are not what I thought they would be this year. Of course, I joined the gym like every other fatty out there, for fitness and stress relief. I had also been going back and forth and sort of dragging my feet about doing some sort of counseling. This past week I had a dream that just terrified me to the point that I had to pray first thing in the morning to renew my mind. I dreamt that my ex husband came back for the kids, and was basically trying to control their every move and I wouldn't have it. So, he kidnapped me and held me hostage in a public building with other people. He had comitted some acts of violence and it was pretty bad because even the police were afraid of him. I woke up before I saw what the ending was, but it really did freak me out. God showed me how much I am driven by fear in this situation, and how irrational my thinking can be. The truth is, God is the one in charge. He's the star of this film, and I am just that girl you see in the background, out of focus. I need to trust him, and believe that he has me and my babies in the palm of his hand and that I shouldn't be looking over my shoulder like I so often do. That being said, I wanted to be optimistic for a while that maybe I just didn't "need" any help. That maybe the Holy Spirit would just heal my heart in a snap and I could move forward. And, yes, it IS possible for God to do that. The Spirit moves and works in power and might all the time! In my case, I believe God is having me walk through the fire. It is his holy and refining fire that is going to move me in a real way that actually has longevity and impact.
I have read somewhere (most likely on facebook or someone's blog) that "though I long for the mountain top, I cannot deny the effect of the valley", or something like that. Even though I may have the exact wording wrong, the message is so true! This valley I am walking in has brought me low, but in a good way. God has humbled me in quite a few ways, but the biggest one on my heart these days is that I still sometimes have this mentality of being some sort of a victim due to the circumstances I have faced in the past two years. How. wrong. I. have. been.
All that to say, I am beginning a divorce care class this February. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do in this time and I am looking forward to truly begin the healing process after going through a divorce. The LORD is my strenghth, and he has brought me this far. His love never ever ever ever fails.
To God be the glory, amen!
Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR :)
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