I am Free.

Release: To set free from confinement, restraint, or bondage; To free from something that binds, fastens, or holds back; let go; To dismiss; To relieve of debt or obligation; to relieve of care and suffering.

This is a concept I have never fully grasped. Sometimes I live as if I have to feel pain, just because of my circumstances. This mindset of all of the lies I have let in have become part of my identity. It has caused me to fall into a pit that I didn't even realize I had fallen in to. I allowed those lies that I am "just" a single mother. I am "just" so hurt. I am "just" so tired. And so on, and so on. It consumed me.

Satan is the father of all lies. Even something that seems so small, can have so much power over us. This past week I learned that my ex husband was getting married on November 11th, and I let one thought run wild until I was angry, emotional, and frustrated, all. week. long. The worst part about it was that my kids could tell. Obviously, they didn't know the reason I was upset but they certainly felt the weight of it. They acted out accordingly, and I'm sorry they felt that way.

So, I humbled myself before the Lord. I repented for allowing lies to take control over my thoughts and allowed God to renew my mind with the truth. "You are beloved. I rescued you and Riley and Cole from that life. I have a plan. Trust me." It is no coincidence that the next day, which was actually on the 11th, that I was restored. I felt a new sense of joy and energy, and my kids and I had a beautiful day. Every day, I have to just give it to the Lord. He knows the beginning to the end, he is soverign and good. He gives, and he takes away.

Hallelujah

These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
And this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn



Despite the busyness and the days that pass by in a blur, I can no longer deny that I will have to face the things I choose to ignore. There are thoughts and feelings that need to be laid bare so that I can move forward, in a healthy way. At church a few weeks ago, I went to someone for prayer that God would show me how to walk in that way. I admitted how much I had held onto and shared how I just want to be free. Once I returned to my seat, another person was suddenly behind me with her hands on my head, praying. I couldn't hear the words over the music, but in that moment I felt lighter. My breathing was easier, and a real feeling of peace came over me.

In just a few short weeks since then, I am back in the valley. There is a purpose for all of this, I know. I am searching for the way to get back to the mountain, and yet I feel how effective time spent in this valley can be. With the number of questions I am unable to answer steadily increasing, I just become that much more dependent on God.





Hallelujah, i'm caving in.
Hallelujah, i'm in love again.
Hallelujah, i'm a wretched woman.
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance.