The meaning of Freedom.

Last Thursday, a judge approved a petition that relinquished all paternal rights of my ex husband. He signed the papers in April, and has not seen my (my, my, my!) children since February. From April to September 15 was the longest season of waiting and praying in my entire life. God saw me through this tremendous fight of faith, and has shown me victory in ways I never dreamed.

Before anyone (else) wants to tell me how much I am hurting my children, what a huge mistake I am making, or that I should at the very least fight for child support, I will tell you this desicion was not made in haste (even if I had wanted this to be final overnight, the legal processes are excrutiatingly long). Much thought and prayer has gone into this, besides the fact that whats-his-name gave this suggestion the moment we got seperated. He was, and always has been, out of the picture. I will not subject my children to continued rejection and pain as their father steps in and out of their lives whenever he feels like it. There is nothing to be gained from growing up that way, and that is certainly not the father they deserve. His presence in their lives would be more detrimental than if they never knew him at all.

I understand the weight of my choices, including the choice to not seek financial assistance from my ex husband. The judge peered down at me from his seat in disbelief when I assured him, as well as my attorney, that "Yes, I can support my children without the help of Mr. Belew." My children have never gone without anything they need, and they never will. God has promised me he would always give us what we need, and he has always provided for us. There have been times when I could not see a way that I would get diapers when I was down to the last three, and God layed it on someone's heart to buy me diapers while she was grocery shopping. He told her the exact size! How beautiful is that? I don't have to be afraid, because the God I serve is faithful to keep his promises.

As nearly 50% of the married population know, being a single parent is really difficult. I have been blessed to have my parents to help, and they have been incredible! I definitely feel the sting of lonliness, and it can be pretty tough during the times of the "terrific twos" when disciplining begins to be introduced and boundaries are tested, and I am the only parent! Two kids versus one me usually ends up being a screaming contest to see who I will pay attention to first.

I have had some well-meaning friends who inquired about setting me up with their sons, both saying they wished "he could find a girl like you". Ok, I just have to say that as sweet as that comment is, I have accepted the fact that i'm not exactly the first choice when it comes to a girlfriend, let-alone a wife for someone. It would make sense for me to go out a "find a dad for my kids", or as some have put it, a "baby daddy" (that always cracks me up) and try to move on with my life. At this point in time, I am just not ready.

Although the circumstances are not ideal, the Lord has a plan. It's going to be worth it to do it HIS way, for once in my life. I cannot, and will not take things into my own hands or try to "find" someone to fill in that role in my family. God has made it clear, that during this season of my life I am to look to him and not a man. In prayer, I have laid the notion of getting married again at the foot of the cross. My focus is on my kids, and myself during this time, and if (if, if, if, IF) one day someone comes into our lives to be that husband and father, it has to be God's way. Believe me, it will have to be a mighty move of the Lord for me to allow anyone into our lives! I can't afford to take such risks, otherwise.

Up until this past week, I have thought that after each of my children turns one, I would feel so satisfied in my truimph of being a single mom. My attitude was more like a "in-your-face-you-lousy-ex husband", I am ashamed to say. God, in his perfect and gentle ways, has led me into a new mindset: my identity is not that I am a single mother with two children. I am a mom, who has the two best kids on the face of the planet, and God has moved and answered prayer in the supernatural, further revealing his glory and just how incredible he is, and we are lucky enough to be apart of the it through the life we have.

Another idea I had that God blew out of the water was as I was going through the motions and waiting for the legal processes to be finalized, I would say things like, "Ugh, I just want this to be over". Driving to the courthouse, it hit me: this does not mean it's over. "I am giving you a new beginning. That chapter in you life may be over, now I am starting a new one, only this time I am giving you a new book."

sweet summertimes.

This summer has been a season of growth. God has given me deeper insights and new visions for my family. Much has been prayed through, and I have experienced triumphant fights of faith. This is just the beginning of the things he wants me to see. I know there is so much more to be revealed! My hopes and dreams are being ressurected, some new and some old. The promises for tomorrow are in my grasp.




Riley is growing into such a beautiful little girl. In a way, i'm sad that almost all traces of "baby" are gone and she is growing up way too fast! It's so hard to believe she will be two soon. I have glimpsed the not-so-fun parts of having a two-year-old: tanrtums. This is the time that is so commonly named the "terrible twos", but I have decided to call this time the "terrific twos". God is showing me that there is power in my words, and that I need to speak like into my children's lives.

One of her favorite things to do is go outside. She gets her shoes and "gocks", points to the "bahhbuls" (bubbles) and tells me she wants to "gout". Her laughter and excited girlish giggles make me wish I could be as carefree and innocent as she is. In silent prayer, I ask for God to give me the wisdom and patience to raise her up to be who He created her to be. I want her to be a kid for as long as she can.




Recently, on a hectic day I was cleaning up after Cole for the umpteenth time. I had probably told Riley "just a minute" ten times while she was trying to get my attention. I was stressed, tired, feeling guilty for not giving her the attention she deserves. The overwhelming feeling of being inadequate was closing in, and just when I thought it would swallow me whole, something amazing happened. Riley, as I was on my hands and knees cleaning a pile of spit-up, pat me on the back, kissed my back, and hugged me tight saying "momma."




In that moment, she touched my heart. I dropped what I was doing, cleared my mental agenda and just held her close. She taught me an important lesson. I have to be able to rise above my own fears and the hectic moments that are sure to be part of daily life. I need to be wary of falling into "disconnected" parenting, and embrace the importance of these sweet times.

Cole has certainly grown, and grown! He is the size of an eighteen month old, and just turned eight months old. Last Friday, August 26, 2011 he started crawling! It's hilarious how his little face lights up and his tongue sticks out as he pushes and pulls his chubby little body to his destination. (Usually, his sister's snack cup.) After just this short time of crawling, he is beginning to pull-up on things, and stand while I hold his arms. I have a feeling he will be walking before he turns one! We have been praying for healing for him, his excessive spitting up turned into more of an actual vomiting and was growing worse. He had seen doctors and specialists, and had an ultrasound that came back normal.

The night before the ultrasound, I was awake with anxiety for the entire night. The thought of surgery being a possibility depending on the results terrified me. Thank the Lord, his ultrasound did not show anything abnormal! The next step that has been recommended was for him to undergo an upper gastrointestinal series. I am seriously praying to not have to x-ray my baby! God has laid it on my heart to just trust Him.

Aside from that, Cole is just incredibly happy. His smile still makes his entire body jump, and now he has a great little laugh and a deep voice. Since he has caught up to his sister in size, they often get mistaken for twins. I love the differences in my kids. Cole is very senstitive, while Riley is a rough-and-tough girl! It has been such a blessing the way God is teaching me how to nurture each individual to be who they're meant to be.