Ever since Father's Day I have been battling some thoughts regarding my ex husband. There are some days when forgiveness feels like an uphill battle, and i'm praying through that. I cannot escape the questions from Riley and Cole that will be inevitable, and this keeps me awake at night. Thus far, throughout the entirety of the divorce proceedings and custody battles (or lack thereof), God has gone before me in every single area and protected the three of us. It's been incredible and I love how he has so beautifully woven these intricate details into my rapidly growing testimony.
I still have absolutely no idea how to tell them what happened between me and their father, their father and them, and why we live in such a modern family. Do I tell them a colorful version of the truth and wait until they're old enough to explain the rest? Should I get rid of every picture I have of him from our wedding, Riley's birth? I sometimes have this feeling of clausterphobia, as if the day is rapidly closing in on me when Riley wrinkles her sweet little brow and realizes something's missing and wants to know why. My fear that runs much deeper than the question, is the result when she and Cole get their answer. Will they hate him? Will they blame me? Will they ever be able to understand that God has something amazing in store, but unfortunatey their father is just not apart of it?
When my ex husband and I got seperated my dad had left for Uganda the day before, and my mom was staying at another missionary's home to watch over her daughters. I remember my mom saying to me "I promise, we will sit down later and have a good cry, we just don't have time right now." We both thought it funny at the time, and it wasn't until this past May when I was sharing bits of my story with a missionary named Peg who was staying with us, I realized, "I never did have that cry." She said to me, "God took care of your heart, too." She was right. My heart doesn't break for our lost relationship. It's almost like God caught the pieces of my heart the moment my ex husband shattered it with his fatal words, and pieced them back together with a new perspective. My prayer is that God has already shielded Riley and Cole from that hurt and rejection the way he has for me.
"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."-Psalm 68:5
