Release: To set free from confinement, restraint, or bondage; To free from something that binds, fastens, or holds back; let go; To dismiss; To relieve of debt or obligation; to relieve of care and suffering.
This is a concept I have never fully grasped. Sometimes I live as if I have to feel pain, just because of my circumstances. This mindset of all of the lies I have let in have become part of my identity. It has caused me to fall into a pit that I didn't even realize I had fallen in to. I allowed those lies that I am "just" a single mother. I am "just" so hurt. I am "just" so tired. And so on, and so on. It consumed me.
Satan is the father of all lies. Even something that seems so small, can have so much power over us. This past week I learned that my ex husband was getting married on November 11th, and I let one thought run wild until I was angry, emotional, and frustrated, all. week. long. The worst part about it was that my kids could tell. Obviously, they didn't know the reason I was upset but they certainly felt the weight of it. They acted out accordingly, and I'm sorry they felt that way.
So, I humbled myself before the Lord. I repented for allowing lies to take control over my thoughts and allowed God to renew my mind with the truth. "You are beloved. I rescued you and Riley and Cole from that life. I have a plan. Trust me." It is no coincidence that the next day, which was actually on the 11th, that I was restored. I felt a new sense of joy and energy, and my kids and I had a beautiful day. Every day, I have to just give it to the Lord. He knows the beginning to the end, he is soverign and good. He gives, and he takes away.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Hallelujah
These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
And this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn
Despite the busyness and the days that pass by in a blur, I can no longer deny that I will have to face the things I choose to ignore. There are thoughts and feelings that need to be laid bare so that I can move forward, in a healthy way. At church a few weeks ago, I went to someone for prayer that God would show me how to walk in that way. I admitted how much I had held onto and shared how I just want to be free. Once I returned to my seat, another person was suddenly behind me with her hands on my head, praying. I couldn't hear the words over the music, but in that moment I felt lighter. My breathing was easier, and a real feeling of peace came over me.
In just a few short weeks since then, I am back in the valley. There is a purpose for all of this, I know. I am searching for the way to get back to the mountain, and yet I feel how effective time spent in this valley can be. With the number of questions I am unable to answer steadily increasing, I just become that much more dependent on God.
Hallelujah, i'm caving in.
Hallelujah, i'm in love again.
Hallelujah, i'm a wretched woman.
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance.
This is the place you were born
And this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn
Despite the busyness and the days that pass by in a blur, I can no longer deny that I will have to face the things I choose to ignore. There are thoughts and feelings that need to be laid bare so that I can move forward, in a healthy way. At church a few weeks ago, I went to someone for prayer that God would show me how to walk in that way. I admitted how much I had held onto and shared how I just want to be free. Once I returned to my seat, another person was suddenly behind me with her hands on my head, praying. I couldn't hear the words over the music, but in that moment I felt lighter. My breathing was easier, and a real feeling of peace came over me.
In just a few short weeks since then, I am back in the valley. There is a purpose for all of this, I know. I am searching for the way to get back to the mountain, and yet I feel how effective time spent in this valley can be. With the number of questions I am unable to answer steadily increasing, I just become that much more dependent on God.
Hallelujah, i'm caving in.
Hallelujah, i'm in love again.
Hallelujah, i'm a wretched woman.
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The meaning of Freedom.
Last Thursday, a judge approved a petition that relinquished all paternal rights of my ex husband. He signed the papers in April, and has not seen my (my, my, my!) children since February. From April to September 15 was the longest season of waiting and praying in my entire life. God saw me through this tremendous fight of faith, and has shown me victory in ways I never dreamed.
Before anyone (else) wants to tell me how much I am hurting my children, what a huge mistake I am making, or that I should at the very least fight for child support, I will tell you this desicion was not made in haste (even if I had wanted this to be final overnight, the legal processes are excrutiatingly long). Much thought and prayer has gone into this, besides the fact that whats-his-name gave this suggestion the moment we got seperated. He was, and always has been, out of the picture. I will not subject my children to continued rejection and pain as their father steps in and out of their lives whenever he feels like it. There is nothing to be gained from growing up that way, and that is certainly not the father they deserve. His presence in their lives would be more detrimental than if they never knew him at all.
I understand the weight of my choices, including the choice to not seek financial assistance from my ex husband. The judge peered down at me from his seat in disbelief when I assured him, as well as my attorney, that "Yes, I can support my children without the help of Mr. Belew." My children have never gone without anything they need, and they never will. God has promised me he would always give us what we need, and he has always provided for us. There have been times when I could not see a way that I would get diapers when I was down to the last three, and God layed it on someone's heart to buy me diapers while she was grocery shopping. He told her the exact size! How beautiful is that? I don't have to be afraid, because the God I serve is faithful to keep his promises.
As nearly 50% of the married population know, being a single parent is really difficult. I have been blessed to have my parents to help, and they have been incredible! I definitely feel the sting of lonliness, and it can be pretty tough during the times of the "terrific twos" when disciplining begins to be introduced and boundaries are tested, and I am the only parent! Two kids versus one me usually ends up being a screaming contest to see who I will pay attention to first.
I have had some well-meaning friends who inquired about setting me up with their sons, both saying they wished "he could find a girl like you". Ok, I just have to say that as sweet as that comment is, I have accepted the fact that i'm not exactly the first choice when it comes to a girlfriend, let-alone a wife for someone. It would make sense for me to go out a "find a dad for my kids", or as some have put it, a "baby daddy" (that always cracks me up) and try to move on with my life. At this point in time, I am just not ready.
Although the circumstances are not ideal, the Lord has a plan. It's going to be worth it to do it HIS way, for once in my life. I cannot, and will not take things into my own hands or try to "find" someone to fill in that role in my family. God has made it clear, that during this season of my life I am to look to him and not a man. In prayer, I have laid the notion of getting married again at the foot of the cross. My focus is on my kids, and myself during this time, and if (if, if, if, IF) one day someone comes into our lives to be that husband and father, it has to be God's way. Believe me, it will have to be a mighty move of the Lord for me to allow anyone into our lives! I can't afford to take such risks, otherwise.
Up until this past week, I have thought that after each of my children turns one, I would feel so satisfied in my truimph of being a single mom. My attitude was more like a "in-your-face-you-lousy-ex husband", I am ashamed to say. God, in his perfect and gentle ways, has led me into a new mindset: my identity is not that I am a single mother with two children. I am a mom, who has the two best kids on the face of the planet, and God has moved and answered prayer in the supernatural, further revealing his glory and just how incredible he is, and we are lucky enough to be apart of the it through the life we have.
Another idea I had that God blew out of the water was as I was going through the motions and waiting for the legal processes to be finalized, I would say things like, "Ugh, I just want this to be over". Driving to the courthouse, it hit me: this does not mean it's over. "I am giving you a new beginning. That chapter in you life may be over, now I am starting a new one, only this time I am giving you a new book."
Before anyone (else) wants to tell me how much I am hurting my children, what a huge mistake I am making, or that I should at the very least fight for child support, I will tell you this desicion was not made in haste (even if I had wanted this to be final overnight, the legal processes are excrutiatingly long). Much thought and prayer has gone into this, besides the fact that whats-his-name gave this suggestion the moment we got seperated. He was, and always has been, out of the picture. I will not subject my children to continued rejection and pain as their father steps in and out of their lives whenever he feels like it. There is nothing to be gained from growing up that way, and that is certainly not the father they deserve. His presence in their lives would be more detrimental than if they never knew him at all.
I understand the weight of my choices, including the choice to not seek financial assistance from my ex husband. The judge peered down at me from his seat in disbelief when I assured him, as well as my attorney, that "Yes, I can support my children without the help of Mr. Belew." My children have never gone without anything they need, and they never will. God has promised me he would always give us what we need, and he has always provided for us. There have been times when I could not see a way that I would get diapers when I was down to the last three, and God layed it on someone's heart to buy me diapers while she was grocery shopping. He told her the exact size! How beautiful is that? I don't have to be afraid, because the God I serve is faithful to keep his promises.
As nearly 50% of the married population know, being a single parent is really difficult. I have been blessed to have my parents to help, and they have been incredible! I definitely feel the sting of lonliness, and it can be pretty tough during the times of the "terrific twos" when disciplining begins to be introduced and boundaries are tested, and I am the only parent! Two kids versus one me usually ends up being a screaming contest to see who I will pay attention to first.
I have had some well-meaning friends who inquired about setting me up with their sons, both saying they wished "he could find a girl like you". Ok, I just have to say that as sweet as that comment is, I have accepted the fact that i'm not exactly the first choice when it comes to a girlfriend, let-alone a wife for someone. It would make sense for me to go out a "find a dad for my kids", or as some have put it, a "baby daddy" (that always cracks me up) and try to move on with my life. At this point in time, I am just not ready.
Although the circumstances are not ideal, the Lord has a plan. It's going to be worth it to do it HIS way, for once in my life. I cannot, and will not take things into my own hands or try to "find" someone to fill in that role in my family. God has made it clear, that during this season of my life I am to look to him and not a man. In prayer, I have laid the notion of getting married again at the foot of the cross. My focus is on my kids, and myself during this time, and if (if, if, if, IF) one day someone comes into our lives to be that husband and father, it has to be God's way. Believe me, it will have to be a mighty move of the Lord for me to allow anyone into our lives! I can't afford to take such risks, otherwise.
Up until this past week, I have thought that after each of my children turns one, I would feel so satisfied in my truimph of being a single mom. My attitude was more like a "in-your-face-you-lousy-ex husband", I am ashamed to say. God, in his perfect and gentle ways, has led me into a new mindset: my identity is not that I am a single mother with two children. I am a mom, who has the two best kids on the face of the planet, and God has moved and answered prayer in the supernatural, further revealing his glory and just how incredible he is, and we are lucky enough to be apart of the it through the life we have.
Another idea I had that God blew out of the water was as I was going through the motions and waiting for the legal processes to be finalized, I would say things like, "Ugh, I just want this to be over". Driving to the courthouse, it hit me: this does not mean it's over. "I am giving you a new beginning. That chapter in you life may be over, now I am starting a new one, only this time I am giving you a new book."
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
sweet summertimes.
This summer has been a season of growth. God has given me deeper insights and new visions for my family. Much has been prayed through, and I have experienced triumphant fights of faith. This is just the beginning of the things he wants me to see. I know there is so much more to be revealed! My hopes and dreams are being ressurected, some new and some old. The promises for tomorrow are in my grasp.
Riley is growing into such a beautiful little girl. In a way, i'm sad that almost all traces of "baby" are gone and she is growing up way too fast! It's so hard to believe she will be two soon. I have glimpsed the not-so-fun parts of having a two-year-old: tanrtums. This is the time that is so commonly named the "terrible twos", but I have decided to call this time the "terrific twos". God is showing me that there is power in my words, and that I need to speak like into my children's lives.
One of her favorite things to do is go outside. She gets her shoes and "gocks", points to the "bahhbuls" (bubbles) and tells me she wants to "gout". Her laughter and excited girlish giggles make me wish I could be as carefree and innocent as she is. In silent prayer, I ask for God to give me the wisdom and patience to raise her up to be who He created her to be. I want her to be a kid for as long as she can.
Recently, on a hectic day I was cleaning up after Cole for the umpteenth time. I had probably told Riley "just a minute" ten times while she was trying to get my attention. I was stressed, tired, feeling guilty for not giving her the attention she deserves. The overwhelming feeling of being inadequate was closing in, and just when I thought it would swallow me whole, something amazing happened. Riley, as I was on my hands and knees cleaning a pile of spit-up, pat me on the back, kissed my back, and hugged me tight saying "momma."
In that moment, she touched my heart. I dropped what I was doing, cleared my mental agenda and just held her close. She taught me an important lesson. I have to be able to rise above my own fears and the hectic moments that are sure to be part of daily life. I need to be wary of falling into "disconnected" parenting, and embrace the importance of these sweet times.
Cole has certainly grown, and grown! He is the size of an eighteen month old, and just turned eight months old. Last Friday, August 26, 2011 he started crawling! It's hilarious how his little face lights up and his tongue sticks out as he pushes and pulls his chubby little body to his destination. (Usually, his sister's snack cup.) After just this short time of crawling, he is beginning to pull-up on things, and stand while I hold his arms. I have a feeling he will be walking before he turns one! We have been praying for healing for him, his excessive spitting up turned into more of an actual vomiting and was growing worse. He had seen doctors and specialists, and had an ultrasound that came back normal.
The night before the ultrasound, I was awake with anxiety for the entire night. The thought of surgery being a possibility depending on the results terrified me. Thank the Lord, his ultrasound did not show anything abnormal! The next step that has been recommended was for him to undergo an upper gastrointestinal series. I am seriously praying to not have to x-ray my baby! God has laid it on my heart to just trust Him.
Aside from that, Cole is just incredibly happy. His smile still makes his entire body jump, and now he has a great little laugh and a deep voice. Since he has caught up to his sister in size, they often get mistaken for twins. I love the differences in my kids. Cole is very senstitive, while Riley is a rough-and-tough girl! It has been such a blessing the way God is teaching me how to nurture each individual to be who they're meant to be.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
reflect
Ever since Father's Day I have been battling some thoughts regarding my ex husband. There are some days when forgiveness feels like an uphill battle, and i'm praying through that. I cannot escape the questions from Riley and Cole that will be inevitable, and this keeps me awake at night. Thus far, throughout the entirety of the divorce proceedings and custody battles (or lack thereof), God has gone before me in every single area and protected the three of us. It's been incredible and I love how he has so beautifully woven these intricate details into my rapidly growing testimony.
I still have absolutely no idea how to tell them what happened between me and their father, their father and them, and why we live in such a modern family. Do I tell them a colorful version of the truth and wait until they're old enough to explain the rest? Should I get rid of every picture I have of him from our wedding, Riley's birth? I sometimes have this feeling of clausterphobia, as if the day is rapidly closing in on me when Riley wrinkles her sweet little brow and realizes something's missing and wants to know why. My fear that runs much deeper than the question, is the result when she and Cole get their answer. Will they hate him? Will they blame me? Will they ever be able to understand that God has something amazing in store, but unfortunatey their father is just not apart of it?
When my ex husband and I got seperated my dad had left for Uganda the day before, and my mom was staying at another missionary's home to watch over her daughters. I remember my mom saying to me "I promise, we will sit down later and have a good cry, we just don't have time right now." We both thought it funny at the time, and it wasn't until this past May when I was sharing bits of my story with a missionary named Peg who was staying with us, I realized, "I never did have that cry." She said to me, "God took care of your heart, too." She was right. My heart doesn't break for our lost relationship. It's almost like God caught the pieces of my heart the moment my ex husband shattered it with his fatal words, and pieced them back together with a new perspective. My prayer is that God has already shielded Riley and Cole from that hurt and rejection the way he has for me.
"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."-Psalm 68:5
I still have absolutely no idea how to tell them what happened between me and their father, their father and them, and why we live in such a modern family. Do I tell them a colorful version of the truth and wait until they're old enough to explain the rest? Should I get rid of every picture I have of him from our wedding, Riley's birth? I sometimes have this feeling of clausterphobia, as if the day is rapidly closing in on me when Riley wrinkles her sweet little brow and realizes something's missing and wants to know why. My fear that runs much deeper than the question, is the result when she and Cole get their answer. Will they hate him? Will they blame me? Will they ever be able to understand that God has something amazing in store, but unfortunatey their father is just not apart of it?
When my ex husband and I got seperated my dad had left for Uganda the day before, and my mom was staying at another missionary's home to watch over her daughters. I remember my mom saying to me "I promise, we will sit down later and have a good cry, we just don't have time right now." We both thought it funny at the time, and it wasn't until this past May when I was sharing bits of my story with a missionary named Peg who was staying with us, I realized, "I never did have that cry." She said to me, "God took care of your heart, too." She was right. My heart doesn't break for our lost relationship. It's almost like God caught the pieces of my heart the moment my ex husband shattered it with his fatal words, and pieced them back together with a new perspective. My prayer is that God has already shielded Riley and Cole from that hurt and rejection the way he has for me.
"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."-Psalm 68:5
Saturday, May 21, 2011
baby steps.
Is there a worst blogger in the world contest? I may be in the top ten. I'll just pull the "i'm a busy mom" card and move on.
My life changed forever when I became a mom for the first time. Everything was brand new, exciting, terrifying. Each new stage Riley entered was an adventure, and I cherished each moment I spent with her. I could not imagine, at the time, having any more room in my heart to love another child the way I love my little girl.
That all changed when my son was born. Cole Garrett, a New Year's Eve baby, captured my heart the first moment he was in my arms. The way he stuck out his bottom lip when the nurse took him away from me to run some tests made me believe he felt the same way. He lived up to his name, which means "warrior", from the start; weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces. My doctor called him a "bruiser" from behind the blue tarp before I even saw him! Those days spent in recovery were even easier than the first time around. Cole and I bonded quickly, and I was so excited to go home I opted to check out a day early.
On the way home I day dreamed about how fun having a boy and a girl was going to be. All throughout my pregnancy, people would tell me how girls are always so high-maintenance and boys were so laid-back. Since Riley was such an easy baby, I thought Cole would be a breeze.
I could not have been more wrong.
From the very first night at home, and for the entire first month of his life, Cole was the most miserable baby. He screamed all night long, ate every hour and a half, and projectile vomited all over the place. Needless to say, that was the LONGEST month of my life. Thank God for pediatricians, because after he was diagnosed with acid reflux and put on a special formula, he was sleeping through the night by the end of his first month.
All of that seems like ancient history. Cole is going to be turning five months old in about a week. He has the biggest smile now, loves taking baths, and recently discovered how to put his toes in his mouth. So yeah, life's pretty sweet in his world.
Riley has adjusted very well to having a sibling. She called him "my baby?" the day we came home from the hospital. Now she loves to shake up his bottle, pat his back to help mommy burp him, and kiss his head. She started walking last week and talks up a storm. I still enjoy each new stage and watching her discover the world around her, and its awesome to watch Cole in his baby stages that are so familiar, yet so uniquely him.
My life has been transformed and completely wrapped up in what I like to call "baby land". The floor is always sticky, toys find their way in the strangest places, and I never get to sit down anymore...and no, i'm not complaining. I love the way Riley points at me and says "mama" and gives sloppy wet kisses. Cole's smile can brighten even the darkest day, and I love the way his whole body seems to jump when he gets excited about something. They both make my world and teach me how to be patient and loving and brave, even with spit-up in my hair.
My life changed forever when I became a mom for the first time. Everything was brand new, exciting, terrifying. Each new stage Riley entered was an adventure, and I cherished each moment I spent with her. I could not imagine, at the time, having any more room in my heart to love another child the way I love my little girl.
That all changed when my son was born. Cole Garrett, a New Year's Eve baby, captured my heart the first moment he was in my arms. The way he stuck out his bottom lip when the nurse took him away from me to run some tests made me believe he felt the same way. He lived up to his name, which means "warrior", from the start; weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces. My doctor called him a "bruiser" from behind the blue tarp before I even saw him! Those days spent in recovery were even easier than the first time around. Cole and I bonded quickly, and I was so excited to go home I opted to check out a day early.
On the way home I day dreamed about how fun having a boy and a girl was going to be. All throughout my pregnancy, people would tell me how girls are always so high-maintenance and boys were so laid-back. Since Riley was such an easy baby, I thought Cole would be a breeze.
I could not have been more wrong.
From the very first night at home, and for the entire first month of his life, Cole was the most miserable baby. He screamed all night long, ate every hour and a half, and projectile vomited all over the place. Needless to say, that was the LONGEST month of my life. Thank God for pediatricians, because after he was diagnosed with acid reflux and put on a special formula, he was sleeping through the night by the end of his first month.
All of that seems like ancient history. Cole is going to be turning five months old in about a week. He has the biggest smile now, loves taking baths, and recently discovered how to put his toes in his mouth. So yeah, life's pretty sweet in his world.
Riley has adjusted very well to having a sibling. She called him "my baby?" the day we came home from the hospital. Now she loves to shake up his bottle, pat his back to help mommy burp him, and kiss his head. She started walking last week and talks up a storm. I still enjoy each new stage and watching her discover the world around her, and its awesome to watch Cole in his baby stages that are so familiar, yet so uniquely him.
My life has been transformed and completely wrapped up in what I like to call "baby land". The floor is always sticky, toys find their way in the strangest places, and I never get to sit down anymore...and no, i'm not complaining. I love the way Riley points at me and says "mama" and gives sloppy wet kisses. Cole's smile can brighten even the darkest day, and I love the way his whole body seems to jump when he gets excited about something. They both make my world and teach me how to be patient and loving and brave, even with spit-up in my hair.
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