divorce care

I joined a Divorce Care counseling group, and we're about halfway through it! Man oh man, it's been a tough thing so far. God has really opened my eyes to how arrogant I have been about my situation. I honestly had no idea the depths of what divorce is, or what marriage is!

Scripture tells us that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). I used to read that somewhat casually, but now I see why God says that. I know that marriage is (supposed to be) two people becoming one flesh. When a marriage ends, it's not like you become two whole people again (at least, not immediately). Divorce is literally like tearing that sacred bond apart, tearing of the flesh. Its painful, terrifying, and so ugly. In my situation, had the divorce not been such a relief I would have noticed why it hurt so much when he said those things and began to move me and our daughter out of our apartment and out of his life. When that happened, I went into survival mode and then shortly after found out my son was on his way. I just didn't have the time to "recover", and felt I was exempt from even needing to since we were married such a short time.Being in this group counseling has been wonderful and horrible at the same time. Emotions and feelings erupted that I honestly never recognized, and they were buried pretty deep. Every other person there with me has a story, some are the most heart wrenching circumstances and every one is in a different place. Emotions are raw and sometimes it seems like we are sitting there with huge gaping wounds. Even in that, there is a sense of freedom and I can see Jesus moving in and working on every heart there. The hardest part so far has been seeing my own flaws and learning to face them. I fully aware that it wasn't all his fault, even though what he did (and is doing) is not right. I have been wrong, too. I wasn't a perfect wife, and there are patterns of men I have chosen and there are things in me that are toxic to relationships with the opposite sex that I do not want in me anymore.

I have also learned something that should have been so elementary in my life, but for some reason just never was. God designed us to be single. The world around us has their own definition of what that means, usually that you're not in a relationship with another person. Even married people can be single, because God's definition of "single" of broken down in three parts:
1. Separate
2. Unique
3. Whole

Singleness should be pursued, not avoided, and I'm learning what that means. Being alone does not have to mean that I'm lonely. Recognizing for the first time in my entire life that men aren't perfect (neither are us women!) and that my relationship with a guy will not define who I am, and a guy can not make me...anything. My world revolved around boyfriends for so long and I had no idea how to just be happy by myself. I was needy and codependent, and now I see that God never intended life to be this way. Thinking I will be complete when Mr. Right comes into my life is such an illusion! I am enjoying this time of my life because even though I am a single mother, which is beautiful and difficult, my time with the Lord is so much better because I am not looking at a human being to make me happy. If one day a husband and father should be brought into our lives, it will be a sweet addition to what God is already doing in me. If I am better with out a man in my life and can do more for my children and for God's kingdom, then that's alright with me too!

happy 2012.

The holidays flew by! Riley turned two, Christmas, my dad's birthday, Cole turned ONE, on New Year's eve...whew. Thank the Lord we survived all of that. I loved seeing the joy of the simple things, like driving through nearby neighborhoods to look at lights, and playing with the wrapping paper and boxes rather than the actual gift. Its a typical kid thing I suppose, but it's so precious to me. Maybe next year they'll get the hang of it! Riley does understand, however, that singing "happy birthday to you" usually has an end result of eating cake. So, it's safe to say that's her new favorite song. Cole's birthday cake pictures are probably going down in history of being the cleanest one year old boy. He was so careful with every bite and savored every morsel-it was adorable!

So, it's 2012 now. My resolutions are not what I thought they would be this year. Of course, I joined the gym like every other fatty out there, for fitness and stress relief. I had also been going back and forth and sort of dragging my feet about doing some sort of counseling. This past week I had a dream that just terrified me to the point that I had to pray first thing in the morning to renew my mind. I dreamt that my ex husband came back for the kids, and was basically trying to control their every move and I wouldn't have it. So, he kidnapped me and held me hostage in a public building with other people. He had comitted some acts of violence and it was pretty bad because even the police were afraid of him. I woke up before I saw what the ending was, but it really did freak me out. God showed me how much I am driven by fear in this situation, and how irrational my thinking can be. The truth is, God is the one in charge. He's the star of this film, and I am just that girl you see in the background, out of focus. I need to trust him, and believe that he has me and my babies in the palm of his hand and that I shouldn't be looking over my shoulder like I so often do. That being said, I wanted to be optimistic for a while that maybe I just didn't "need" any help. That maybe the Holy Spirit would just heal my heart in a snap and I could move forward. And, yes, it IS possible for God to do that. The Spirit moves and works in power and might all the time! In my case, I believe God is having me walk through the fire. It is his holy and refining fire that is going to move me in a real way that actually has longevity and impact.

I have read somewhere (most likely on facebook or someone's blog) that "though I long for the mountain top, I cannot deny the effect of the valley", or something like that. Even though I may have the exact wording wrong, the message is so true! This valley I am walking in has brought me low, but in a good way. God has humbled me in quite a few ways, but the biggest one on my heart these days is that I still sometimes have this mentality of being some sort of a victim due to the circumstances I have faced in the past two years. How. wrong. I. have. been.

All that to say, I am beginning a divorce care class this February. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do in this time and I am looking forward to truly begin the healing process after going through a divorce. The LORD is my strenghth, and he has brought me this far. His love never ever ever ever fails.

To God be the glory, amen!

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

I am Free.

Release: To set free from confinement, restraint, or bondage; To free from something that binds, fastens, or holds back; let go; To dismiss; To relieve of debt or obligation; to relieve of care and suffering.

This is a concept I have never fully grasped. Sometimes I live as if I have to feel pain, just because of my circumstances. This mindset of all of the lies I have let in have become part of my identity. It has caused me to fall into a pit that I didn't even realize I had fallen in to. I allowed those lies that I am "just" a single mother. I am "just" so hurt. I am "just" so tired. And so on, and so on. It consumed me.

Satan is the father of all lies. Even something that seems so small, can have so much power over us. This past week I learned that my ex husband was getting married on November 11th, and I let one thought run wild until I was angry, emotional, and frustrated, all. week. long. The worst part about it was that my kids could tell. Obviously, they didn't know the reason I was upset but they certainly felt the weight of it. They acted out accordingly, and I'm sorry they felt that way.

So, I humbled myself before the Lord. I repented for allowing lies to take control over my thoughts and allowed God to renew my mind with the truth. "You are beloved. I rescued you and Riley and Cole from that life. I have a plan. Trust me." It is no coincidence that the next day, which was actually on the 11th, that I was restored. I felt a new sense of joy and energy, and my kids and I had a beautiful day. Every day, I have to just give it to the Lord. He knows the beginning to the end, he is soverign and good. He gives, and he takes away.

Hallelujah

These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
And this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn



Despite the busyness and the days that pass by in a blur, I can no longer deny that I will have to face the things I choose to ignore. There are thoughts and feelings that need to be laid bare so that I can move forward, in a healthy way. At church a few weeks ago, I went to someone for prayer that God would show me how to walk in that way. I admitted how much I had held onto and shared how I just want to be free. Once I returned to my seat, another person was suddenly behind me with her hands on my head, praying. I couldn't hear the words over the music, but in that moment I felt lighter. My breathing was easier, and a real feeling of peace came over me.

In just a few short weeks since then, I am back in the valley. There is a purpose for all of this, I know. I am searching for the way to get back to the mountain, and yet I feel how effective time spent in this valley can be. With the number of questions I am unable to answer steadily increasing, I just become that much more dependent on God.





Hallelujah, i'm caving in.
Hallelujah, i'm in love again.
Hallelujah, i'm a wretched woman.
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance.

The meaning of Freedom.

Last Thursday, a judge approved a petition that relinquished all paternal rights of my ex husband. He signed the papers in April, and has not seen my (my, my, my!) children since February. From April to September 15 was the longest season of waiting and praying in my entire life. God saw me through this tremendous fight of faith, and has shown me victory in ways I never dreamed.

Before anyone (else) wants to tell me how much I am hurting my children, what a huge mistake I am making, or that I should at the very least fight for child support, I will tell you this desicion was not made in haste (even if I had wanted this to be final overnight, the legal processes are excrutiatingly long). Much thought and prayer has gone into this, besides the fact that whats-his-name gave this suggestion the moment we got seperated. He was, and always has been, out of the picture. I will not subject my children to continued rejection and pain as their father steps in and out of their lives whenever he feels like it. There is nothing to be gained from growing up that way, and that is certainly not the father they deserve. His presence in their lives would be more detrimental than if they never knew him at all.

I understand the weight of my choices, including the choice to not seek financial assistance from my ex husband. The judge peered down at me from his seat in disbelief when I assured him, as well as my attorney, that "Yes, I can support my children without the help of Mr. Belew." My children have never gone without anything they need, and they never will. God has promised me he would always give us what we need, and he has always provided for us. There have been times when I could not see a way that I would get diapers when I was down to the last three, and God layed it on someone's heart to buy me diapers while she was grocery shopping. He told her the exact size! How beautiful is that? I don't have to be afraid, because the God I serve is faithful to keep his promises.

As nearly 50% of the married population know, being a single parent is really difficult. I have been blessed to have my parents to help, and they have been incredible! I definitely feel the sting of lonliness, and it can be pretty tough during the times of the "terrific twos" when disciplining begins to be introduced and boundaries are tested, and I am the only parent! Two kids versus one me usually ends up being a screaming contest to see who I will pay attention to first.

I have had some well-meaning friends who inquired about setting me up with their sons, both saying they wished "he could find a girl like you". Ok, I just have to say that as sweet as that comment is, I have accepted the fact that i'm not exactly the first choice when it comes to a girlfriend, let-alone a wife for someone. It would make sense for me to go out a "find a dad for my kids", or as some have put it, a "baby daddy" (that always cracks me up) and try to move on with my life. At this point in time, I am just not ready.

Although the circumstances are not ideal, the Lord has a plan. It's going to be worth it to do it HIS way, for once in my life. I cannot, and will not take things into my own hands or try to "find" someone to fill in that role in my family. God has made it clear, that during this season of my life I am to look to him and not a man. In prayer, I have laid the notion of getting married again at the foot of the cross. My focus is on my kids, and myself during this time, and if (if, if, if, IF) one day someone comes into our lives to be that husband and father, it has to be God's way. Believe me, it will have to be a mighty move of the Lord for me to allow anyone into our lives! I can't afford to take such risks, otherwise.

Up until this past week, I have thought that after each of my children turns one, I would feel so satisfied in my truimph of being a single mom. My attitude was more like a "in-your-face-you-lousy-ex husband", I am ashamed to say. God, in his perfect and gentle ways, has led me into a new mindset: my identity is not that I am a single mother with two children. I am a mom, who has the two best kids on the face of the planet, and God has moved and answered prayer in the supernatural, further revealing his glory and just how incredible he is, and we are lucky enough to be apart of the it through the life we have.

Another idea I had that God blew out of the water was as I was going through the motions and waiting for the legal processes to be finalized, I would say things like, "Ugh, I just want this to be over". Driving to the courthouse, it hit me: this does not mean it's over. "I am giving you a new beginning. That chapter in you life may be over, now I am starting a new one, only this time I am giving you a new book."

sweet summertimes.

This summer has been a season of growth. God has given me deeper insights and new visions for my family. Much has been prayed through, and I have experienced triumphant fights of faith. This is just the beginning of the things he wants me to see. I know there is so much more to be revealed! My hopes and dreams are being ressurected, some new and some old. The promises for tomorrow are in my grasp.




Riley is growing into such a beautiful little girl. In a way, i'm sad that almost all traces of "baby" are gone and she is growing up way too fast! It's so hard to believe she will be two soon. I have glimpsed the not-so-fun parts of having a two-year-old: tanrtums. This is the time that is so commonly named the "terrible twos", but I have decided to call this time the "terrific twos". God is showing me that there is power in my words, and that I need to speak like into my children's lives.

One of her favorite things to do is go outside. She gets her shoes and "gocks", points to the "bahhbuls" (bubbles) and tells me she wants to "gout". Her laughter and excited girlish giggles make me wish I could be as carefree and innocent as she is. In silent prayer, I ask for God to give me the wisdom and patience to raise her up to be who He created her to be. I want her to be a kid for as long as she can.




Recently, on a hectic day I was cleaning up after Cole for the umpteenth time. I had probably told Riley "just a minute" ten times while she was trying to get my attention. I was stressed, tired, feeling guilty for not giving her the attention she deserves. The overwhelming feeling of being inadequate was closing in, and just when I thought it would swallow me whole, something amazing happened. Riley, as I was on my hands and knees cleaning a pile of spit-up, pat me on the back, kissed my back, and hugged me tight saying "momma."




In that moment, she touched my heart. I dropped what I was doing, cleared my mental agenda and just held her close. She taught me an important lesson. I have to be able to rise above my own fears and the hectic moments that are sure to be part of daily life. I need to be wary of falling into "disconnected" parenting, and embrace the importance of these sweet times.

Cole has certainly grown, and grown! He is the size of an eighteen month old, and just turned eight months old. Last Friday, August 26, 2011 he started crawling! It's hilarious how his little face lights up and his tongue sticks out as he pushes and pulls his chubby little body to his destination. (Usually, his sister's snack cup.) After just this short time of crawling, he is beginning to pull-up on things, and stand while I hold his arms. I have a feeling he will be walking before he turns one! We have been praying for healing for him, his excessive spitting up turned into more of an actual vomiting and was growing worse. He had seen doctors and specialists, and had an ultrasound that came back normal.

The night before the ultrasound, I was awake with anxiety for the entire night. The thought of surgery being a possibility depending on the results terrified me. Thank the Lord, his ultrasound did not show anything abnormal! The next step that has been recommended was for him to undergo an upper gastrointestinal series. I am seriously praying to not have to x-ray my baby! God has laid it on my heart to just trust Him.

Aside from that, Cole is just incredibly happy. His smile still makes his entire body jump, and now he has a great little laugh and a deep voice. Since he has caught up to his sister in size, they often get mistaken for twins. I love the differences in my kids. Cole is very senstitive, while Riley is a rough-and-tough girl! It has been such a blessing the way God is teaching me how to nurture each individual to be who they're meant to be.

reflect

Ever since Father's Day I have been battling some thoughts regarding my ex husband. There are some days when forgiveness feels like an uphill battle, and i'm praying through that. I cannot escape the questions from Riley and Cole that will be inevitable, and this keeps me awake at night. Thus far, throughout the entirety of the divorce proceedings and custody battles (or lack thereof), God has gone before me in every single area and protected the three of us. It's been incredible and I love how he has so beautifully woven these intricate details into my rapidly growing testimony.
I still have absolutely no idea how to tell them what happened between me and their father, their father and them, and why we live in such a modern family. Do I tell them a colorful version of the truth and wait until they're old enough to explain the rest? Should I get rid of every picture I have of him from our wedding, Riley's birth? I sometimes have this feeling of clausterphobia, as if the day is rapidly closing in on me when Riley wrinkles her sweet little brow and realizes something's missing and wants to know why. My fear that runs much deeper than the question, is the result when she and Cole get their answer. Will they hate him? Will they blame me? Will they ever be able to understand that God has something amazing in store, but unfortunatey their father is just not apart of it?
When my ex husband and I got seperated my dad had left for Uganda the day before, and my mom was staying at another missionary's home to watch over her daughters. I remember my mom saying to me "I promise, we will sit down later and have a good cry, we just don't have time right now." We both thought it funny at the time, and it wasn't until this past May when I was sharing bits of my story with a missionary named Peg who was staying with us, I realized, "I never did have that cry." She said to me, "God took care of your heart, too." She was right. My heart doesn't break for our lost relationship. It's almost like God caught the pieces of my heart the moment my ex husband shattered it with his fatal words, and pieced them back together with a new perspective. My prayer is that God has already shielded Riley and Cole from that hurt and rejection the way he has for me.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."-Psalm 68:5