Lessons from 2014

I have learned many valuable lessons in 2014, but i'll narrow it down to the three biggest ones:

1. Faith is not a feeling. We've all heard it, and I already "knew" it, but this year I learned for myself that sometimes (or, many times) I simply don't feel like worshipping the Lord. I don't feel close to God. I can't seem to hear his voice. Ok, I am an extremely sensitive person. When I can't "feel" something, I automatically think something is wrong. God is teaching me that He does not necessarily work that way. Of course, if my mind is muddled with every distraction under the sun, my heart cannot connect with His and of course I can't hear from Him very clearly. My heart was made to love God, made to worship Him. Just like in any human relationship, it requires effort. It means that I have to be intentional with my relationship with the Lord. Sometimes I literally have to make myself pray out the names of God and sing His praises until my mind and heart catch up and fall back in line.

2. I need to learn to admit I need help sometimes, ask for it, and be willing to accept it. I have been so driven by what others think of me, and most of all my parenting. I tense up when my kids don't always behave the ways I want them to when we are in public. Yes, I am that mom who has to constantly excuse herself to chase after a certain child, who just wants to explore, but seems to think my directions of "stay on the playground" are just just too much to ask. I often times leave feeling embarrassed, frustrated, and beating myself up for not being a good enough mom. I get overwhelmed, I lack a sense of direction sometimes, I desperately need the support of others to help me parent well.

3. Family is not just the one we were born into. I am extremely fortunate to have the love and support of my AMAZING parents and cousin and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles. Seriously, I hit the family lottery. However, this year the body of Christ has been a great source of life to me. The Lord has brought some beautiful friendships into my life, and has grown some even more this year! You know that expression "blood this thicker than water"? I have my own version: there is nothing thicker than blood. Family blood, and the family I have under the Blood of Christ. These people I can call sisters, and they have walked with me and prayed for me like no one else ever has. I am forever thankful.

In 2014, God did...well, God-sized miracles in my life. He blessed me with materials such as finances and a car! (Another story, another day.) He also carried me through some really tough times. This year I began the journey to healing and forgiveness. I felt the pain of the past five years, the emotions I had kept bottled up on a dusty shelf somewhere deep in my heart. It has been awful and wonderful at the same time.

I faced, and am facing, fear and have had some intense battles with anxiety. This year, the Lord has brought me to deeper levels of trust and teaching me that He is the one on whom I can depend!
As He takes me apart, piece by piece, He is simultaneously drawing me, inch by inch, closer to Him.

The journey is far from over, and I am ready for the amazing things the Lord has already in store for 2015! Happy New Year!

Forgiveness is a choice

Last September, I prayed two specific prayers. 1. A prayer of forgiveness toward my ex husband 2. That God would make me new. Both prayers carry so much more weight than I knew because if I knew then what I know today, I don't know if I would be brave enough to say such prayers. The thing is though, they kind of go hand-in-hand...

So, when I was led in this forgiveness prayer, I honestly thought once it was over, it was over. I cried it out and felt a little bit lighter inside. That feeling faded once I began having anxiety attacks and was becoming consumed by fear and anxiety. Fear of what, I don't really know. Its just like I felt so many things and had no way to process it all and could not just sit down and sort it all out.

Last month I went on an unexpected retreat to be intentional about going deeper in the Lord. The anxiety attacks were becoming stronger and more numerous and I knew I had to get to the root of it somehow. During the retreat I was in a time of worship and it was a little noisy in the room because everyone else was praying and singing out loud. In the midst of it all, God spoke to me in the most calm and clear way: "forgive him."

I know it has to be real, it has to be deep and tangible and I know that I need God to help me through it all. So I just told God that I trusted that he would show me. Then two days ago I read a blog post and the author said this of forgiveness:


"Through my healing process, I learned to choose forgiveness over bitterness, cynicism and hatred. I forgave. It’s been a hard, hard battle in my heart, but now that I’ve made the choice, I feel so much lighter.

Forgiveness helps you release the stifling control of the past; it drops away from you like a stifling cloak so you can move and breath and dance once more. Forgiveness doesn’t make you forget the past, but it changes the way you relate to the past. It’s a process, and it will probably never stop. Now that I know it’s truly important, I’m willing to choose it again and again, over and over, for the rest of my life."

I don't want to wait anymore.


Tonight, I am choosing to forgive you.
I forgive you for making me believe you loved me.
I forgive you for treating my virginity as a conquest.
I forgive you for all of the lies.
I forgive you for the porn.
I forgive you for the other women.
I forgive you for the ways you used me.
I forgive you for the times you threatened me and made me afraid.
I forgive you for rejecting our daughter before we were even home from the hospital.
I forgive you for walking away from our marriage.
I forgive you for doing things to make life that much harder on us.
I forgive you for telling the world our son is not really yours.
I forgive you for the pathetic reasons I have to give to my kids for your abandonment.
I forgive you for the continuation of the rejection by getting married again.
I forgive you that I now have to explain to my kids that you now have another child.
I forgive you for the nights I feel the pain so intensely.
I forgive you for the times I feel like I am falling so short as a parent and I have no one to turn to.
I forgive you for the birthdays, holidays, and special events you have missed and will miss in the future.
I forgive you, and I also thank you, for your selfishness in signing over your rights to be a dad to my kids. It has honestly been one of the greatest blessings in all of this.

I forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I long for my heart to be free. I want to walk in the freedom that Jesus died for me to have. He forgave me, so I am forgiving you. I will walk it out every single day until it is finished.

God's will vs. my will

I've been living differently these days. I used to exhaust myself with just thinking up all of the possibilities of what God's will for my life could possibly be. He (thankfully) has given me a "ah-ha!" moment, but I think of it as more of a "duh, Erin!" moment. I  mean, i'm a single mom. Although I know that is not my life's only purpose, but that's what it is right now! It was so hard to me to just settle into that.

Ever since my mind sort of switched gears and the cry of my heart became "Lord, what is your will?" rather than "Lord, what is your will for MY life?" I feel so much quieter inside. When I was so unsettled and focused (more like, obsessed) on my life and my future, by the week's end I was still without a resolution and would get almost into a depression. (Yeah, probably not too healthy.) Now, I pray for the Lord's will. Period. I want to be in line with Him and just take each day as it comes. Everyday is new, and as creative as our Creator-God is...he keeps showing me there really isn't a blueprint for life.

I have been enjoying my kids more, and feel like a better mom because I just AM. Its so freeing to just be. I'm still trusting the Lord with my future. He has the most beautiful story written for me, illustrated with beauty only He, the creator of heaven and earth, can make. I'm so thankful for this continuous journey of peace and freedom that is truly only found in Jesus Christ! Praises.

Lord, have mercy.

So many things in my life have not gone according to plan. My plan, that is. I never imagined my life the way it has turned out. I never, ever thought I would be divorced. In fact, my ex husband and I would proudly state how the word was "not even allowed in our vocabulary". Yet, when those explosive fights began that was the first word on his lips and the first one on my mind. I never wanted my marriage to fail, I never "planned" on that happening. My daily prayer was "Lord, change him or remove him." out of my desperation it was all I could hold onto because nothing made sense at the time.

Yes, God could have turned the heart of my ex and made him into a man of integrity. He is the God who restores and he could have very well restored my marriage, or at least restored his heart to his own children. (You know how that story ended and the new one began.) I have wrestled with this in prayer trying to understand why. I have come to the conclusion that God has shown me mercy. Mercy in that I no longer had to remain in a dangerous situation and mercy because my children will never be traumatized by the unhealthy and destructive patterns their father lives in and will never feel the inevitable rejection. God knew it all before I did, and that's why I always say He has rescued us.

I have said before how I have pushed and stretched so far outside of my comfort zone that I can't even remember what it feels like to be comfortable. I have never fought so hard, doubted so much, had my faith built up so much, or pressed into the Lord as much as I have in the past four years or so. Especially in the last year, 2013. There have been so many times when I think I have something figured out, according to my plans, and the door to that plan closes with no explanation. So many times I have wept trears of disappointment and cried out "Lord, why?!" and He seems so quiet. In the stillness (when I actually am, still.) He says "just wait, child." I believe when God says "no" or "wait", it is Him again showing His mercy. He protects us from things that may not be that good for us, or simply from the things that aren't His best or His plan for our lives.

The season I am in is...interesting. Now, I am walking in a place where I know something has to change and the Lord is preparing me for it. The only word I can really grasp right now is "forward". He is calling me higher and deeper than I have been before. Outside of where I feel safe, and trusting that even when I have no earthly idea how things are going to happen that HE does. I have barely worked in the past two weeks, job opportunities never match up to what I need, even relational issues have been popping up here and there. Honestly, I am thankful for the ways things don't play out the way I envisioned them. I know God has not forgotten about me, and He is well-aware of my dreams, desires, and passions. He knows the way my heart can just ache sometimes.

God is pushing me out of my old comforts and old ways of living. I have been running more lately, mainly to just be alone and to be quiet for an hour or so. One very cold day (as cold as Florida can get, I suppose) I went for a run and happened to stop near this tree to stretch.

In that quietness, a song started on my playlist that spoke so clearly to my busy mind.

I could hold onto to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home, never let these walls down

 

You have called me higher, You have called me deeper

and i'll go where You will lead me Lord

 

 

This ministered to me in a way I never knew possible. Not because it answered my questions or lessened them, but because for the first time I felt pure joy in knowing that the life I lead is a result of God's mercy! He knows me so well and it blows me away every time. It is  more fulfilling than any of my own plans I had for my life. I may not know where this is all leading to, but I know who is leading me and He is faithful!

 

I will be Yours, I will be Yours for all my life

so let Your mercy light the path before me.





Strength like no other.

God is my strength. I have said that, sang that, and thought somewhat lightly of it. Now I am living it, day by day. In the midst of one of the biggest spiritual and emotional battles of my life, I am also struggling with parenting. I often lack the confidence in my own abilities as a mom. I can get overwhelmed with daily things and with the little phases my children go through. I fear and dread the days when questions about their father come, and worry they will somehow blame me. In all of this, God is my strength.

Even when I felt weary and stressed this morning, He met me where I was. My kids were running around, whining, bickering, dumping out the toy totes I had so very carefully organized. Yet, Jesus was right there with me at my kitchen table as I sipped my coffee and opened up the my journal to just sit somewhat peacefully. My friend sent me a text, saying she had been praying for me and to read a couple of verses in Isaiah 40.

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
 He gathers the lambs in his arms
 and carries them close to his heart;
 he gently leads those that have young." (vs.11)

"Do you not know?
 Have you not heard?
 The Lord is the everlasting God,
 the Creator of the ends of the earth.
 He will not grow tired or weary,
 and his understanding no one can fathom.
 He gives strength to the weary
 and increases the power of the weak.
 Even youths grow tired and weary
 and young men will stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
 will renew their strength.
 They will soar on wings like eagles;
 they will run and not grow weary,
 they will walk and not be faint." (vs.28-31)

Literally, right after this another friend came by with her two kids to play. To say my kids had a rough morning is a pretty major understatement, but my friends and her kids were so loving and incredibly patient! As she was leaving she hugged me and said "You're doing a great job!". I thanked her relucantly, as doubt flooded in once again. Once they left and I got my shreiking children down for naps, I got quiet. The perfect prince of peace calmed my soul and told me "this is for My glory".

Then, I watched this:
http://vimeo.com/66058153


Whew, parenting is hard! I know I can be so much harder on myself. I need to remember how much they need me to be strong, and they need a mom not a buddy! This truly is my calling during this time of my life, and I am so thankful for the love and encouragement I have had from friends and from the Lord. Moms need it!

On Healing.

We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony

Here we go! I thank God I am able to share yet another layer of the story He is writing in my life. This time, it is about healing.

I had preeclampsia during my first pregnancy. Between that, having another baby a year later, and all of the stress from divorce and custody arrangements my eyes were in bad shape, especially my right eye. I finally got glasses at the beginning of this year. It may not seem like a big deal, but I hated it! I was afraid of my sight getting worse and I struggled for a little while with that fear. I would often pray that God would heal me and even heard Him speak to me that I would see with out glasses one day  but He said to trust Him with the timing. The Sunday before I went on the Encounter God retreat, I felt so strongly not to put on my glasses that day. I struggled with that, in fear of not being able to see well while driving!  Finally I just said, "Ok God, I trust you."

That morning at church they asked for people to come forward to be prayed over for healing. I went and was prayed over, but nothing really happened. They prayed for me again, nothing happened. Then one man said, "You know in the Bible sometimes when Jesus healed someone it was as they went home when they recieved their healing. Just keep trusting." Of course, I was thinking "sweet!  will be healed on the drive home, no problem!" Nope. In fact, I went the entire week with out glasses and still could not see well. I went on the retreat that weekend and my eyes were exhausted and strained! I knew God was going to do it, so I had to just keep trusting.

 Upon returning to church the Sunday after the retreat, I was noticing some changes in my vision. When the church service ended I looked over at a banner with a mission statement on it, and I could see it bolder and clearer when before it was blurry! On the drive home I could see the signs and the liscense plate numbers all around me! I was so excited! The next day I went to see Jesus Culture and I could see people from across the room when before it was fuzzy. I prayed that night, "Lord, I want to be able to clearly see road signs." The next morning on the drive to our Bible Study Fellowship I could see the signs! It was still not complete, but I kept praying.

The enemy was clearly not pleased, and shortly after this all happened I felt flooded with doubt and fear and it was so hard to break through. He tried to lie to me about who God really is and "did He REALLY heal you? You're just imagining things. You're still the same person don't kid yourself." Thank God, the Lord truly does inhabit our praise! Now my eyes are much stronger and I can say confidently that I AM HEALED!

Thank you Jesus.

Encountering God

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on an Encounter God retreat in Titusville with some women from my church. I had been on an Encounter God retreat before, when I was in high school but since so much has happened over the past four years I signed up. Actually, when I signed up it was because God said "by faith" as I held that pen and stared at the piece of paper with the blank for my name and phone number. I did not know what to expect. I was nervous about being away from my kids for the first time since they were born for an entire, and even more nervous to be so open and vulnerable with God and around people.

We arrived at the retreat center on Friday evening and pretty much began the weekend right away. The first night was sort of an introductory thing and ended with being handed an envelope with our name on the front and asked to find a quiet place to just sit and read it, and to respond. I went back to the room I was staying in, and my room mate was not there so I was able to really focus. The letter was one addressed to me, written by God. It touched my heart when I read those words! I responded in the best way I knew how: I wrote God a letter right back. I honestly was not emotional about it and was feeling quite closed. I ended my letter telling Him I was here for a divine exchange, and I wanted my focus to be on Jesus.

The next morning came early and Saturday was a long and emotional day! I was sort of discouraged because I was feeling so heavy at first but I prayed for my mind and heart to be open. Two of the things that were taught were about our identity and woundedness.

Little did I know these two areas were pretty big for me, and they went hand-in-hand. My identity over the past four years has been built around my circumstances. Although I know the truth of it all, the more I had identified myself as "a divorced, single mother" the more I took it on like it was my favorite jacket. I know I have said something of the sort before, only this time I allowed myself to come under this identity. Did you know that our words have power? They really do, we can either speak life or death! By me even professing that I am a single mother who is divorced and so on and so forth automatically opens the door for self pity, anger, resentment, and it can bring me to a really. bad. place. This is NOT who I am! This teaching on identity opened my eyes, that I am not alone in this. I never have been. I can see how dangerous my thought patterns could have been to my own identity as a person, and to the identities of my children. My favorite part of the topic went like this,

"If you see yourself as a spiritually weak, unholy, struggling person, you'll probably live like one. But if you see yourself as a child of God who is fully accepted, spiritually alive, dearly loved, chosen, and is filled with the very life of Christ, you'll begin to live in victory, freedom, and closeness with God."

As important that topic is to me, it could never truly be solidified in my heart unless I faced the source of my pain and woundedness. This topic was so hard because I had pray through and face each person and every single offense over these years. It was excrutiating, it felt as if my heart was wrenching and twisting inside my chest. It was awful, and wonderful all at once. When my prayer ended, my tears did not, but I felt like I had literally walked up to Jesus and peeled away every single thought and feeling I was carrying and handed it all over to Him. Believe it or not that's all I needed to do. I had to finally just get quiet and get real and let Him take all control. Why was I even holding on to it all? Jesus died to take it all, to heal the broken hearted, to set the captives free! Thank you, Lord.

 

 

After those lessons we had a break. I wanted to just be quiet so I explore the building until I found a quiet balcony and sat on some steps. It was hot and my nose was still running but I need to just be with my King. He spoke to me and continued to minister to my heart as the words spilled out of my pen and onto the page. I told Him even more of what I am afraid of and how the unknown makes me anxious. God reminded me of Psalm 112:7&8

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will triumph over his foes."


Words so precious and so close, I will be clinging to Jesus whenever bad news comes. I pray this verse will never leave my heart. Ever since I have been back, I keep wishing every weekend could be as intently focused on the Lord as this one was! I am on the mountain top, praying to just stay here for a while. I am so thankful that Jesus has become so much more to me than I ever imagined He could be.

Press on.

You know that saying "God will not give you anything you can't handle"? Or the one "When you're down to nothing, God is up to something?" As annoyingly cliche and "churchy" those two sayings may be, I have not only lived them out this summer but proven them to be true. Of course, I have my own spin on them.

"God will not give you anything you can't handle." Not true, there are things He allows us to go through that are excrutiating. I found comfort in the fact that when we get hit with any sort of attack, it is because the enemy has to beg God to do it. God is merciful when he allows it.

Did you catch that? Yes, I said God is MERCIFUL. Attacks may be a test of our faith, but I have experienced that He is faithful to carry us through the fire. It refines us to make us better and stronger. God does not give us small tasks, how else would we grow? He allows us to call on His name and pretty much throw in the towel and say "God I can't do this, but you can." We have to be desperate for him, to depend on him, and then he will equip us to face the challenge and watch Him overcome.

This summer I faced depression and anxiety in a scary way. It was terrible and terrifying, but God had a purpose for it: to set me free. I have always been a fearful person, and have always been known as a worrier. "Oh, that's just how you are Erin. You're such a worrier." Ugh, I got so tired of it so this summer when God allowed me to face my fear of...fear, I fought back. I got angry. I started to recognize thoughts and patterns of living that needed to change. I asked for prayer. God had a person who once had faced anxiety to pray over me. I was set free! God showed me where I have been so uptight and now I am able to relax and just enjoy life.

"When you're down to nothing, God is up to something." Yes, true. One hundred percent true. The depression I fell into was unexpected. I did not even know I was depressed until one day I was seeing stars and almost passed out. I got sick, I grew weary, I could not even eat. I had to face the truth that I had allowed negative thoughts to become mindsets, and it all went down hill from there. I was tired of parenthood, I was feeling heartbroken because my ex husband and his wife are having a baby, I felt lonely and sad. I felt so empty and so sick. I lost ten pounds and walked around being afraid of everything. My mind would not stop. I cried all the time and finally had to start fighting. My prayers didn't "feel" like anything was going to change. I literally felt nothing. I just cried out to God, telling him I knew He was near but I could not feel him.

Finally, I had to face it all. I had to take it all and give everything in my mind and my heart and hand it over to Jesus. It was not like a "quick fix". I would take something back again and have to go back and pray the same thing over again. God really was up to something, because he healed my heart! It is definitely a process, but I feel stronger each day.

 

 

 

 

This past Sunday, the sermon at church was called "Pressing toward the prize".

 

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself  yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:12-14

 





The entire sermon touched my heart. I was so excited because as I took notes it was like a flame was ignited inside and I could see out of the darkness. I had lost sight of what was so important and allowed my past to haunt me and steal my life away. I read over the things I had written in my journal over the past few months and the highlights were basically asking God for direction and answers and for Him to heal me. I never realized how deep those things went until God took me through the furnace!

I have been reminded of how important my role as a mom is and that I cannot afford to back slide. The Lord has taken ahold of my life for a reason and I have to trust him with the details. I'm thankful for the work he began in me these past few months because in order for me to move forward I needed to let go of what is now behind me. When my life changed in such huge ways over the past four years, it was all God moving. I believe he is divine and when he took ahold of me and the kids and got us out of where we were, it was a divine shift. Why did I look back at the past? I definitely do not want anything to do with the old life I had. It's like I forgot how big of a move God really did and is still doing. I forgot to stop looking back and to keep moving forward. I can see now that I need to keep pressing on, through the hard things and to keep pressing into Jesus. Only he can show me the way! Praise the Lord.

A call to love.

I may be in the midst of living in toddler land, but it really doesn't take much to see how the world is rapidly changing. There are so many things I never imagined would ever be up as an issue, but I feel the need to address one in particular. I am a Christian and a mom. I work hard to raise my children up in the ways of God and to be a positive impact in their world as adults. (Long road ahead.) The topic that floods the airways and the facebook news feed is the topic of marriage equality. So, as a Christian and a mom teaching her kids about life and the world around them, what does that look like? Honestly, this was hard for me to wrap my head around at first. Since everyone loves to post their opinions left and right, I asked God "Lord, what is your heart about this?"

As Christians, we are to be the image-bearers of Jesus Christ. That means we are literally representing JESUS to the entire world! It will not be the most popular image to bear, but then again Jesus was not exactly "popular" in the time he lived. Being a Christian is a tough calling, but a blessed one. Being a Christian was never meant to be "cool", so why do we pretend to fit in? We aren't suppposed to! That being said, we are also told to love people. Jesus said to love, and loving does not always mean to "support" or "conform". He never said "love other Christians and boycott anything and everything having to do with sin." No one is asking you to support marriage equality. It really is ok to believe what the Bible says about marriage and STILL have love for those who believe otherwise.

A few years ago, I once had the opportunity to have a conversation with a man I had become friends with. He was in a homosexual relationship, and would often talk about going to church but feeling that he would never be "allowed" to even attend. He said to me, "I believe what the Bible says...but  I feel otherwise. Until God can change the way I feel, this is my life." Let me ask you...how do you think someone with that heart and courage get to know to God who can change a heart, unless we as Christians are displaying love in a way that makes a homosexual man or woman even want to attend your church? This conversation comes up in my memory quite often and I am heartbroken that this wonderful person just sees the way most Christians in this country behave. I pray for him and hope to see God move in his life one day, that he would get to know Christ as he really is.

A note to my Christian friends,
There will be things in this life and in this world we don't agree with. Sure, there are things that grieve God's heart and break our hearts, too. That's good, that's how it should be. Our response is not out of love. No, I see Christians lining up at Chick fil a and boycotting Starbucks. We are sore winners with an "i'm right and you're wrong" attitude. We argue and tell the "truth" but out of anger and everything that is the opposite of love. Think about the biggest arguements you have ever had. What was your response to the other person telling you how wrong you were? We don't like that, so why do we love telling a homosexual how wrong they are? Guess what...if you have sin, and you do, you are not perfect. If you masturbate or look at porn or have pre marital sex you are just as "bad" as they are! Jesus calls us to shine our light into the darkness, not shine where there is already light. I urge you, my brothers and sisters, examine your hearts and attitudes. Compare scripture, mediate on it. Ask God for clarity. He is faithful to give it and he will give you the answers you need. Stop shoving your rights in others faces and looking down on others. Stop changing your Facebook profile picture just because everyone else has the equality symbol. (Seriously. Stop.) Start loving people for who they are, right where they are. God had the same grace and compassion for us before we knew him. Will you be a light to the darkness around you? Will you allow God's grace to flow through you, even when it hurts? Even when it's hard? We are to love, and love well. If every Christian showed this attitude, God would have more to work with and there would be more change than there is right now.

When we speak truth,  speak it in love. Instead of saying "Hey, you're gay and that's wrong. That's a sin and you need to change." say, "Hey, I see you. I hear you and guess what? Jesus loves you. Right now, just as you are." What would it look like if we went out into the world and had those kind of conversations? Like I said, you don't have to agree. You can hold firm and stand on the truth of scripture, and I absolutely do. Jesus said the world would know him by our love. So, why aren't Christians known for their love? Let's get back to that.

A prayer for those hard days.

When parenting gets hard, those days of a broken lamp and a mess at every turn. Instead of those sweet little voices, I hear shrill shrieking or unrelenting whines. Yelling, spitting, and even hitting all before lunch time. By nap time I am just exhausted and my heart aches. I feel defeated and like the worst mom in the world. "Why can"t I just get it together?"

Sure, I am parenting two toddlers. One of which is a strong-willed child. Days like these make me feel as if I am beating myself up swimming up stream. Those "breaking moments" are when I most often find myself on the floor of my kitchen crying out to God for wisdom, and for my sanity!

But then, you quiet my thoughts as a father holding his baby girl, crying in the night. You hold me and whisper your love over me. I am humbled and never condemned by the example my perfect Father sets for me as a parent. The standard is high and worth the cost. When parenting gets hard, or when it has been just "one of those days" it is the King of Glory himself that calms the storm.

Lord, I am thankful for my children. Thank you for their strengths. You made my daughter strong in her will for a purpose, and I would never want to break her will or her spirit. She is perfect just the way she is. Help me to lead her and guide her to you. Protect her, God and have the victory over her life and her spirit. Give me strength to pray for her and to love her well, even when it gets hard. Give me a heart dependent on you for guidance. Remind me that even if I do not see immediate results, doing things your way will make all the difference. Thank you, Lord.

Amen.

Praise Him, Oh Praise Him

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

I'm pretty sure I have lost count of all the ways God has blessed me. He knows how much I like to plan things, and even more so how a good surprise can make my heart skip a beat and fall in love all over again, such as the biggest blessings of my lifetime. Even better than that: He is slowly (but surely) prying my white-knuckled fingers off of the so-called control I have over my own life. My eyes are being opened to this whole idea of not having a plan...and being content with that.

I used to feel so much anxiety, or have to defend myself with some sort of explanation as to what my future plans are. I was afraid of what other people would think when they ask we why don't I just finish school and get a full-time job? I often get asked the question "so, what do you do?" I used to get frustrated with that question. I often thought "are they serious?!" then I realized, I was just frustrated with myself. I was afraid of riding the fence between what society expects a single mother to do in order to be successful, or to do what God has called me to...which goes against the stream quite a bit. So, I struggled with this for a time, until God led me to pray for guidance. I asked Him to give me a clear picture of what motherhood looks like in my life. I asked, and continually ask for Him to provide. God has settled my anxious thoughts and frustrations. I can now smile and answer those questions with "I am a mom".

I believe God has chosen me to be a mom to my kids, during this time, and for very specific reasons. This is something my heart is full of passion for, I see it as my mission field. I am a mom. Praise Him I am able to have this sort of peace and calling on my life, even though I am divorced! I used to wear the label "single mom" as if it were a garment, but that identity just never fit right. It was a heavy burden I never had to take on in the first place. Yes, I am the only biological parent but I am far from being a "true" single mom. My parents have been a tremendous source of support, as well as other relatives and friends and church family. God has blessed us and provided in the most amazing ways! I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I am able to be with my kids most of the time and to love them well and raise them up in the Lord!

There are hard things ahead, of course. There are hard days, too. I had to be humbled into to realization that I am not super mom, and that's ok. One of the biggest things to face is, I still don't know what to tell my kids about their dad. He has literally been absent for their entire lives. My daughter is becoming aware and tries to fit the pieces together. She has even called her Bappa (my dad) "dad". One instance during a meal, she looked at me and touched my chest, saying "my mommy", and then looked me in the eyes and said "dad".
I used to tense at the sound of that word. Fear, anger, and bitterness would flow so strongly I was sure she could feel it. God has been so amazingly good at easing those feelings and now I am able to stay calm.
I looked at her and just said matter-of-factly "dad".
"Dad", she said as she continued eating. She seemed satisfied with my answer and I felt like I had passed some sort of test.

This whole thing with their dad helps me see, it's ok to feel hurt sometimes. I don't feel the pain of my husband leaving me. The hurt I feel is in anticipation of my children understanding what he did. With Jesus, and the help of his perfect and amazing patience and grace, I am stepping further and further away from that hurt. From those fears. With every step, I am stronger. With every step, I am letting it go: opening my hands and letting it flow into the wind like sand escaping my grasp. And with every step, I am running to Jesus. I am running into new freedoms and out of broken chains. I am running into the arms of the one who knows me, understands me, delights in me. The road I'm on is a wild adventure full of mystery God himself is revealing about this amazing future I have in a life lived with Him!

Despite my prayers of "Ok God, I can do this forever! I never need a man in my life ever again." He has shown me that yes, I still believe in love and have a desire for it one day. And, it's ok to. God may have laughed (I am pretty sure he did) at my prayer and had to pry my eyes open from being squeezed shut, but it's ok. It's ok to go on long runs and that song comes on that makes me dream with God about a man to do life with. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to take my time and to be myself. It's ok to see the possibilites of dating. It's ok to have boundaries, and to not date the way I used to. It's ok to dream big and pray boldly for a man of God. It's ok to believe for something bigger and better than anything I have ever known.

It's ok to fall for a good man, a whole man.

I am living it day-by-day. My life is wildly blessed, and I am falling more and more in love with a life of abiding in Christ. He has the answers, he has the best ideas, and now he has my trust. My fears used to run me, now they are crushed beneath my feet and I am moving forward!

My momma told me there would be days like this.

Surrendering my children to the Lord in prayer on a daily basis is an absolute must. I have found that if I try to take things into my own hands and be "independent" from the Lord, it proves to bring some disastrous days. I feel stressed over things that usually don't bother me, I get overwhelmed very easily, and I sense a change in the spiritual atmosphere in my home. My kids act out and turn towards more rebellious behaivors that makes me wonder "where the heck did that come from?!".

Days like this have been rare, but they shake me. I literally have to just sit down and start praying, and I do so outloud. I think it's important to be an example to my kids that when we're having a hard day to turn to the Lord, right then and there. It helps them see that their mom is imperfect and doesn't always have the right answers, but when we turn to our pefect heavenly Father, he will be there in our midst. It's not uncommon for me to just start crying out to God in prayer or worship, and Riley will just turn to me and say "Momma praying".

I love the moments when I feel like God just wants to encourage me and love on me a little bit. Riley sometimes just puts her hands in the air and says things like "Praise the Lord" and, "Hallelujah". Cole will be sitting in his high chair and suddenly just clasp his hands together and say "Ah mee" (Amen). Sometimes it seems like I just forget that I need God every day to show me how to be, not just a good mom, but the mom He created me to be.

divorce care

I joined a Divorce Care counseling group, and we're about halfway through it! Man oh man, it's been a tough thing so far. God has really opened my eyes to how arrogant I have been about my situation. I honestly had no idea the depths of what divorce is, or what marriage is!

Scripture tells us that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). I used to read that somewhat casually, but now I see why God says that. I know that marriage is (supposed to be) two people becoming one flesh. When a marriage ends, it's not like you become two whole people again (at least, not immediately). Divorce is literally like tearing that sacred bond apart, tearing of the flesh. Its painful, terrifying, and so ugly. In my situation, had the divorce not been such a relief I would have noticed why it hurt so much when he said those things and began to move me and our daughter out of our apartment and out of his life. When that happened, I went into survival mode and then shortly after found out my son was on his way. I just didn't have the time to "recover", and felt I was exempt from even needing to since we were married such a short time.Being in this group counseling has been wonderful and horrible at the same time. Emotions and feelings erupted that I honestly never recognized, and they were buried pretty deep. Every other person there with me has a story, some are the most heart wrenching circumstances and every one is in a different place. Emotions are raw and sometimes it seems like we are sitting there with huge gaping wounds. Even in that, there is a sense of freedom and I can see Jesus moving in and working on every heart there. The hardest part so far has been seeing my own flaws and learning to face them. I fully aware that it wasn't all his fault, even though what he did (and is doing) is not right. I have been wrong, too. I wasn't a perfect wife, and there are patterns of men I have chosen and there are things in me that are toxic to relationships with the opposite sex that I do not want in me anymore.

I have also learned something that should have been so elementary in my life, but for some reason just never was. God designed us to be single. The world around us has their own definition of what that means, usually that you're not in a relationship with another person. Even married people can be single, because God's definition of "single" of broken down in three parts:
1. Separate
2. Unique
3. Whole

Singleness should be pursued, not avoided, and I'm learning what that means. Being alone does not have to mean that I'm lonely. Recognizing for the first time in my entire life that men aren't perfect (neither are us women!) and that my relationship with a guy will not define who I am, and a guy can not make me...anything. My world revolved around boyfriends for so long and I had no idea how to just be happy by myself. I was needy and codependent, and now I see that God never intended life to be this way. Thinking I will be complete when Mr. Right comes into my life is such an illusion! I am enjoying this time of my life because even though I am a single mother, which is beautiful and difficult, my time with the Lord is so much better because I am not looking at a human being to make me happy. If one day a husband and father should be brought into our lives, it will be a sweet addition to what God is already doing in me. If I am better with out a man in my life and can do more for my children and for God's kingdom, then that's alright with me too!

happy 2012.

The holidays flew by! Riley turned two, Christmas, my dad's birthday, Cole turned ONE, on New Year's eve...whew. Thank the Lord we survived all of that. I loved seeing the joy of the simple things, like driving through nearby neighborhoods to look at lights, and playing with the wrapping paper and boxes rather than the actual gift. Its a typical kid thing I suppose, but it's so precious to me. Maybe next year they'll get the hang of it! Riley does understand, however, that singing "happy birthday to you" usually has an end result of eating cake. So, it's safe to say that's her new favorite song. Cole's birthday cake pictures are probably going down in history of being the cleanest one year old boy. He was so careful with every bite and savored every morsel-it was adorable!

So, it's 2012 now. My resolutions are not what I thought they would be this year. Of course, I joined the gym like every other fatty out there, for fitness and stress relief. I had also been going back and forth and sort of dragging my feet about doing some sort of counseling. This past week I had a dream that just terrified me to the point that I had to pray first thing in the morning to renew my mind. I dreamt that my ex husband came back for the kids, and was basically trying to control their every move and I wouldn't have it. So, he kidnapped me and held me hostage in a public building with other people. He had comitted some acts of violence and it was pretty bad because even the police were afraid of him. I woke up before I saw what the ending was, but it really did freak me out. God showed me how much I am driven by fear in this situation, and how irrational my thinking can be. The truth is, God is the one in charge. He's the star of this film, and I am just that girl you see in the background, out of focus. I need to trust him, and believe that he has me and my babies in the palm of his hand and that I shouldn't be looking over my shoulder like I so often do. That being said, I wanted to be optimistic for a while that maybe I just didn't "need" any help. That maybe the Holy Spirit would just heal my heart in a snap and I could move forward. And, yes, it IS possible for God to do that. The Spirit moves and works in power and might all the time! In my case, I believe God is having me walk through the fire. It is his holy and refining fire that is going to move me in a real way that actually has longevity and impact.

I have read somewhere (most likely on facebook or someone's blog) that "though I long for the mountain top, I cannot deny the effect of the valley", or something like that. Even though I may have the exact wording wrong, the message is so true! This valley I am walking in has brought me low, but in a good way. God has humbled me in quite a few ways, but the biggest one on my heart these days is that I still sometimes have this mentality of being some sort of a victim due to the circumstances I have faced in the past two years. How. wrong. I. have. been.

All that to say, I am beginning a divorce care class this February. I'm excited to see what the Lord will do in this time and I am looking forward to truly begin the healing process after going through a divorce. The LORD is my strenghth, and he has brought me this far. His love never ever ever ever fails.

To God be the glory, amen!

Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

I am Free.

Release: To set free from confinement, restraint, or bondage; To free from something that binds, fastens, or holds back; let go; To dismiss; To relieve of debt or obligation; to relieve of care and suffering.

This is a concept I have never fully grasped. Sometimes I live as if I have to feel pain, just because of my circumstances. This mindset of all of the lies I have let in have become part of my identity. It has caused me to fall into a pit that I didn't even realize I had fallen in to. I allowed those lies that I am "just" a single mother. I am "just" so hurt. I am "just" so tired. And so on, and so on. It consumed me.

Satan is the father of all lies. Even something that seems so small, can have so much power over us. This past week I learned that my ex husband was getting married on November 11th, and I let one thought run wild until I was angry, emotional, and frustrated, all. week. long. The worst part about it was that my kids could tell. Obviously, they didn't know the reason I was upset but they certainly felt the weight of it. They acted out accordingly, and I'm sorry they felt that way.

So, I humbled myself before the Lord. I repented for allowing lies to take control over my thoughts and allowed God to renew my mind with the truth. "You are beloved. I rescued you and Riley and Cole from that life. I have a plan. Trust me." It is no coincidence that the next day, which was actually on the 11th, that I was restored. I felt a new sense of joy and energy, and my kids and I had a beautiful day. Every day, I have to just give it to the Lord. He knows the beginning to the end, he is soverign and good. He gives, and he takes away.

Hallelujah

These are the scars deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
And this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn



Despite the busyness and the days that pass by in a blur, I can no longer deny that I will have to face the things I choose to ignore. There are thoughts and feelings that need to be laid bare so that I can move forward, in a healthy way. At church a few weeks ago, I went to someone for prayer that God would show me how to walk in that way. I admitted how much I had held onto and shared how I just want to be free. Once I returned to my seat, another person was suddenly behind me with her hands on my head, praying. I couldn't hear the words over the music, but in that moment I felt lighter. My breathing was easier, and a real feeling of peace came over me.

In just a few short weeks since then, I am back in the valley. There is a purpose for all of this, I know. I am searching for the way to get back to the mountain, and yet I feel how effective time spent in this valley can be. With the number of questions I am unable to answer steadily increasing, I just become that much more dependent on God.





Hallelujah, i'm caving in.
Hallelujah, i'm in love again.
Hallelujah, i'm a wretched woman.
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance.

The meaning of Freedom.

Last Thursday, a judge approved a petition that relinquished all paternal rights of my ex husband. He signed the papers in April, and has not seen my (my, my, my!) children since February. From April to September 15 was the longest season of waiting and praying in my entire life. God saw me through this tremendous fight of faith, and has shown me victory in ways I never dreamed.

Before anyone (else) wants to tell me how much I am hurting my children, what a huge mistake I am making, or that I should at the very least fight for child support, I will tell you this desicion was not made in haste (even if I had wanted this to be final overnight, the legal processes are excrutiatingly long). Much thought and prayer has gone into this, besides the fact that whats-his-name gave this suggestion the moment we got seperated. He was, and always has been, out of the picture. I will not subject my children to continued rejection and pain as their father steps in and out of their lives whenever he feels like it. There is nothing to be gained from growing up that way, and that is certainly not the father they deserve. His presence in their lives would be more detrimental than if they never knew him at all.

I understand the weight of my choices, including the choice to not seek financial assistance from my ex husband. The judge peered down at me from his seat in disbelief when I assured him, as well as my attorney, that "Yes, I can support my children without the help of Mr. Belew." My children have never gone without anything they need, and they never will. God has promised me he would always give us what we need, and he has always provided for us. There have been times when I could not see a way that I would get diapers when I was down to the last three, and God layed it on someone's heart to buy me diapers while she was grocery shopping. He told her the exact size! How beautiful is that? I don't have to be afraid, because the God I serve is faithful to keep his promises.

As nearly 50% of the married population know, being a single parent is really difficult. I have been blessed to have my parents to help, and they have been incredible! I definitely feel the sting of lonliness, and it can be pretty tough during the times of the "terrific twos" when disciplining begins to be introduced and boundaries are tested, and I am the only parent! Two kids versus one me usually ends up being a screaming contest to see who I will pay attention to first.

I have had some well-meaning friends who inquired about setting me up with their sons, both saying they wished "he could find a girl like you". Ok, I just have to say that as sweet as that comment is, I have accepted the fact that i'm not exactly the first choice when it comes to a girlfriend, let-alone a wife for someone. It would make sense for me to go out a "find a dad for my kids", or as some have put it, a "baby daddy" (that always cracks me up) and try to move on with my life. At this point in time, I am just not ready.

Although the circumstances are not ideal, the Lord has a plan. It's going to be worth it to do it HIS way, for once in my life. I cannot, and will not take things into my own hands or try to "find" someone to fill in that role in my family. God has made it clear, that during this season of my life I am to look to him and not a man. In prayer, I have laid the notion of getting married again at the foot of the cross. My focus is on my kids, and myself during this time, and if (if, if, if, IF) one day someone comes into our lives to be that husband and father, it has to be God's way. Believe me, it will have to be a mighty move of the Lord for me to allow anyone into our lives! I can't afford to take such risks, otherwise.

Up until this past week, I have thought that after each of my children turns one, I would feel so satisfied in my truimph of being a single mom. My attitude was more like a "in-your-face-you-lousy-ex husband", I am ashamed to say. God, in his perfect and gentle ways, has led me into a new mindset: my identity is not that I am a single mother with two children. I am a mom, who has the two best kids on the face of the planet, and God has moved and answered prayer in the supernatural, further revealing his glory and just how incredible he is, and we are lucky enough to be apart of the it through the life we have.

Another idea I had that God blew out of the water was as I was going through the motions and waiting for the legal processes to be finalized, I would say things like, "Ugh, I just want this to be over". Driving to the courthouse, it hit me: this does not mean it's over. "I am giving you a new beginning. That chapter in you life may be over, now I am starting a new one, only this time I am giving you a new book."

sweet summertimes.

This summer has been a season of growth. God has given me deeper insights and new visions for my family. Much has been prayed through, and I have experienced triumphant fights of faith. This is just the beginning of the things he wants me to see. I know there is so much more to be revealed! My hopes and dreams are being ressurected, some new and some old. The promises for tomorrow are in my grasp.




Riley is growing into such a beautiful little girl. In a way, i'm sad that almost all traces of "baby" are gone and she is growing up way too fast! It's so hard to believe she will be two soon. I have glimpsed the not-so-fun parts of having a two-year-old: tanrtums. This is the time that is so commonly named the "terrible twos", but I have decided to call this time the "terrific twos". God is showing me that there is power in my words, and that I need to speak like into my children's lives.

One of her favorite things to do is go outside. She gets her shoes and "gocks", points to the "bahhbuls" (bubbles) and tells me she wants to "gout". Her laughter and excited girlish giggles make me wish I could be as carefree and innocent as she is. In silent prayer, I ask for God to give me the wisdom and patience to raise her up to be who He created her to be. I want her to be a kid for as long as she can.




Recently, on a hectic day I was cleaning up after Cole for the umpteenth time. I had probably told Riley "just a minute" ten times while she was trying to get my attention. I was stressed, tired, feeling guilty for not giving her the attention she deserves. The overwhelming feeling of being inadequate was closing in, and just when I thought it would swallow me whole, something amazing happened. Riley, as I was on my hands and knees cleaning a pile of spit-up, pat me on the back, kissed my back, and hugged me tight saying "momma."




In that moment, she touched my heart. I dropped what I was doing, cleared my mental agenda and just held her close. She taught me an important lesson. I have to be able to rise above my own fears and the hectic moments that are sure to be part of daily life. I need to be wary of falling into "disconnected" parenting, and embrace the importance of these sweet times.

Cole has certainly grown, and grown! He is the size of an eighteen month old, and just turned eight months old. Last Friday, August 26, 2011 he started crawling! It's hilarious how his little face lights up and his tongue sticks out as he pushes and pulls his chubby little body to his destination. (Usually, his sister's snack cup.) After just this short time of crawling, he is beginning to pull-up on things, and stand while I hold his arms. I have a feeling he will be walking before he turns one! We have been praying for healing for him, his excessive spitting up turned into more of an actual vomiting and was growing worse. He had seen doctors and specialists, and had an ultrasound that came back normal.

The night before the ultrasound, I was awake with anxiety for the entire night. The thought of surgery being a possibility depending on the results terrified me. Thank the Lord, his ultrasound did not show anything abnormal! The next step that has been recommended was for him to undergo an upper gastrointestinal series. I am seriously praying to not have to x-ray my baby! God has laid it on my heart to just trust Him.

Aside from that, Cole is just incredibly happy. His smile still makes his entire body jump, and now he has a great little laugh and a deep voice. Since he has caught up to his sister in size, they often get mistaken for twins. I love the differences in my kids. Cole is very senstitive, while Riley is a rough-and-tough girl! It has been such a blessing the way God is teaching me how to nurture each individual to be who they're meant to be.

reflect

Ever since Father's Day I have been battling some thoughts regarding my ex husband. There are some days when forgiveness feels like an uphill battle, and i'm praying through that. I cannot escape the questions from Riley and Cole that will be inevitable, and this keeps me awake at night. Thus far, throughout the entirety of the divorce proceedings and custody battles (or lack thereof), God has gone before me in every single area and protected the three of us. It's been incredible and I love how he has so beautifully woven these intricate details into my rapidly growing testimony.
I still have absolutely no idea how to tell them what happened between me and their father, their father and them, and why we live in such a modern family. Do I tell them a colorful version of the truth and wait until they're old enough to explain the rest? Should I get rid of every picture I have of him from our wedding, Riley's birth? I sometimes have this feeling of clausterphobia, as if the day is rapidly closing in on me when Riley wrinkles her sweet little brow and realizes something's missing and wants to know why. My fear that runs much deeper than the question, is the result when she and Cole get their answer. Will they hate him? Will they blame me? Will they ever be able to understand that God has something amazing in store, but unfortunatey their father is just not apart of it?
When my ex husband and I got seperated my dad had left for Uganda the day before, and my mom was staying at another missionary's home to watch over her daughters. I remember my mom saying to me "I promise, we will sit down later and have a good cry, we just don't have time right now." We both thought it funny at the time, and it wasn't until this past May when I was sharing bits of my story with a missionary named Peg who was staying with us, I realized, "I never did have that cry." She said to me, "God took care of your heart, too." She was right. My heart doesn't break for our lost relationship. It's almost like God caught the pieces of my heart the moment my ex husband shattered it with his fatal words, and pieced them back together with a new perspective. My prayer is that God has already shielded Riley and Cole from that hurt and rejection the way he has for me.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."-Psalm 68:5

baby steps.

Is there a worst blogger in the world contest? I may be in the top ten. I'll just pull the "i'm a busy mom" card and move on.

My life changed forever when I became a mom for the first time. Everything was brand new, exciting, terrifying. Each new stage Riley entered was an adventure, and I cherished each moment I spent with her. I could not imagine, at the time, having any more room in my heart to love another child the way I love my little girl.

That all changed when my son was born. Cole Garrett, a New Year's Eve baby, captured my heart the first moment he was in my arms. The way he stuck out his bottom lip when the nurse took him away from me to run some tests made me believe he felt the same way. He lived up to his name, which means "warrior", from the start; weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces. My doctor called him a "bruiser" from behind the blue tarp before I even saw him! Those days spent in recovery were even easier than the first time around. Cole and I bonded quickly, and I was so excited to go home I opted to check out a day early.

On the way home I day dreamed about how fun having a boy and a girl was going to be. All throughout my pregnancy, people would tell me how girls are always so high-maintenance and boys were so laid-back. Since Riley was such an easy baby, I thought Cole would be a breeze.

I could not have been more wrong.

From the very first night at home, and for the entire first month of his life, Cole was the most miserable baby. He screamed all night long, ate every hour and a half, and projectile vomited all over the place. Needless to say, that was the LONGEST month of my life. Thank God for pediatricians, because after he was diagnosed with acid reflux and put on a special formula, he was sleeping through the night by the end of his first month.

All of that seems like ancient history. Cole is going to be turning five months old in about a week. He has the biggest smile now, loves taking baths, and recently discovered how to put his toes in his mouth. So yeah, life's pretty sweet in his world.



Riley has adjusted very well to having a sibling. She called him "my baby?" the day we came home from the hospital. Now she loves to shake up his bottle, pat his back to help mommy burp him, and kiss his head. She started walking last week and talks up a storm. I still enjoy each new stage and watching her discover the world around her, and its awesome to watch Cole in his baby stages that are so familiar, yet so uniquely him.

My life has been transformed and completely wrapped up in what I like to call "baby land". The floor is always sticky, toys find their way in the strangest places, and I never get to sit down anymore...and no, i'm not complaining. I love the way Riley points at me and says "mama" and gives sloppy wet kisses. Cole's smile can brighten even the darkest day, and I love the way his whole body seems to jump when he gets excited about something. They both make my world and teach me how to be patient and loving and brave, even with spit-up in my hair.